I recently found myself at a upstate "play" party and boy did I learn lot. I still don't get orgies, or "cuddle puddles " (which is a sugarcoated word that describes a place that should be super comfy, and full of teddy ruxbins but instead but reeks of old dick soup and sadness.
I literally cannot get away from this fucking fad (HA!I pun) I bet it was fun in the 70s when people had real drugs being carried in briefcases by bad ass Pan AM stewardess and good music and no cellphones but these days where the cocaine smells like nail polish remover (i only smelled i did not inhale) and everyone has a secret stash of valtrex in their bathroom cabinet what's the fucking point.
A couple of my main issues:
1. I Hate sharing
2. think that watching other people have sex is absolutely gnarly. No one has a pink porn hairless asshole. The dicks are weird and misshapen, like carrots grown in Chernobyl, and I can't imagine the the V's of swinger chicks could resemble anything other than a Katz's Pastrami sandwich (RIP) the guttural primal noises coming out of peoples mouths literally makes my vagina wither.
3.I also must be the center center of attention at all times and would probably set a bitch on fire that was getting more attention than me form my chosen love partner. HOW DO PEOPLE WATCH THEIR BOYFRIENDS FUCK ANOTHER GIRL. how.? HOW. I would CUT A BITCH. so fast. End up in jail all alone singing johnny cash to myself.
I'm getting tired of people telling me that I am not "open" that I couldn't possibly understand who wonderful it is to hold your boyfriends hand and look him in the eyes while you're ramming some strangers foreskin down your tonsils. They're almost like a cult, and they are amazingly good at tricking you into thinking you're missing something from your life, and that you shouldn't be so "rigid" and defined by social norms. I'm sorry but just because i don't want to be a pig on a spit roast for 10 people to feast on of that doesn't mean I am not sexually enlightened.
I mean fine, maybe i'm a jewy worry wort who is terrified of STDs and hates the idea of bros who are not buying me dinner and rubbing my toes after a long night of dancing being able to see my ovaries. YOU HAVE TO EARN THAT. Am i prude. Maybe...i've been told i'm all talk. I Met this beautiful Russian girl there and i was thinking fuck it. Why not. I can do this. I could have sex with this gorgeous girl in a fuck pile of other humans....right? WRONG. I swear to you the moment i sort of let her know I was interested she immediately whisked me off to this quiet tree lined yoga place and sat in front of taking my hands in hers and started swaying, like someone who was speaking in tongues at one of those cray town bible thumpy places telling me to "relax" in a super thick russian accent which literally made me the MOST NERVOUS. She came behind me and wrapped her tiny limbs around me around me like a koala bear monkey but it felt honestly so odd to have a small person hold me from behind...suffice it to say, I didn't get any pussy.
So anyway on the way home from this weekend I interviewed a friend of mine who would like to remain anonymous who is well versed with these "play" community.She cracks me up. She's so young and hot and innocent sort or while living inside the body of a full grown fucking woman. I never had big boobs so I can't imagine it's easy to be a little girl in a grown ups body.
I think it's fucked up that swingers have coopted the word "Play" and now anytime I hear something that used to remind me of playgrounds, and recess and hopscotch and riding bikes to get ice cream I now associate with 45 year old white furried bellied investment bankers and CEO's and their 22 year old Russian blow up doll girlfriends with their puffy pouty lips and slightly Asiatic eyes and a penchant for glaring around the room without making eye contact with other females.