Wait a Minute I thought I was at a techno Party not eating at Rainforest Cafe?

I met an amazing man, (if memory serves me correctly) in 2008. I was a two dimensional professional partier who spent my youth traveling the world and chasing the wonderful white rabbit that is the world of electronic music scene. The literal only good thing that came out of this amorphous murky period of my life was some amazing friends and memories. Today I bring you the one and only Damien Lazarus a pillar of the underground music scene. Truly one of the most original, charismatic way finders i've ever met.

Once again please excuse the sound quality in this episode. I had just come back from a three day upstate party interviewing a "play" community (swingers) and I was sleepy from trying not to slip and fall into a fuck pile of humans and end up pregnant with the antichrist. I gotta tell you, these play people may be onto something. They are so freaking happy. Either way I was beyond sleepy.

So I stuck the microphone under him and then lay back and drank rose..which obviously does not make for my best work and afterwards I had to muck with the levels so you could even hear me so suffice it to say, I am the least pro journalist of all actual time. ANYWAY

I've been trying to interview this man for literally years because he is a beacon of light and truth in this dark scary world full of posers. I love him because he has found a way to live deep in the underbelly of the underground techno music scene for years, but yet has a really healthy second life, on a Tuscan Farm with his beautiful wife and brand new baby daughter. It gives me hope that the rest of us degenerate heathens can find our way to the promised land.

So I'm sure this isn't the normal stuff you would imagine the wizard of techno to be talking about but honestly he is at his core a big fucking soft teddy bear who has KILLED LIFE. He's partied harder probably than anyone you know, and he hasn't aged a day since i've met him. I can't wait to meet his beautiful new daughter and frolic through his wine vineyard and meet shonky and wonky he's new donkey's.

Please check out all of Damians music and upcoming events
www.damianlazurus.com
He's new album with the Ancient Moons is so fucking cool and weird and trip.

Music: Stevie Wonder Isn't She Lovely
Damian Lazarus and the Ancient Moons - Tangled Web

This is one of the hardest podcast's i've ever made public. But the truth is that I have really gone through a transformative process recently. Someone took a flame thrower to my body and reduced me a bunch of glittery ashes and it's taken me just a second to million dollar man myself back into existence. So, in the face of me having everything, I was afraid. Deep cold fear invaded my body and had to work desperately hard to dethaw my bones so I could go forth and continue to create the life I have been manifesting for a decade.

It’s so easy in the instagram era to want to hide behind filters,
To smooth over lifes wrinkles, to cover up your insecurities.
#killingit it's all total bullshit.

I never knew what the fear of failure would feel like because I was never concerned with success. So for a short while anytime I would stand up it would feel like my bones were made of bisquick batter and I would crumble back into my bed.

So where does that leave me. It's taken months of talking to my mother, of holding my dogs really tight, of laughing with friends and doing meaningful work, to re light the fire that's inside my demon belly. But I did it. I have cast off the shackles of self doubt and insecurity and am ready to face the fire. Well. For now. Wish me luck. Shit's gonna get super intense soon kiddos. I've donned a full yellow rubber outfit and hat like that guy on the gordon's fisherman box to prepare.

Darkness Cannot Drive Out Darkness; Only Light Can Do That. Hate Cannot Drive Out Hate; Only Love Can Do That

I met a hilarious, gregarious young African American mother of 2 little gorgeous babies named Reckless, whose main goal in life was to not die because she was black and be able to raise her children without fear.

Growing up the color of printer paper in Washington DC, a city that was 95 percent black I have always been acutely aware the differences that my skin afforded me most obviously being my total lack of fear surrounding the Police. I have always, without question, talked back to cops. I've been arrested for "assaulting" a police officer...twice.

I recently went to go see a play about the life of Dick Gregory a Brilliant comic who paved the way for Richard Pryor and was instrumental player in the Civil Rights movement. This play reduced me to a puddle of ashes and tears for it made you turn around and stare at the Sodom and Gomorrah like world that was the African American experience in America.

His bravery was limitless. He would go from one red neck racist comedy club in the south to the next, where the Klu Klux Klan would routinely pay him visits, spreading his brilliant comedy like wildfire throughout the country eventually knocking down the pillars that separated Black artists from being able to be shown on television and seen as artist who demanded the white worlds respect.

The amount of hate that is swirling around the world right now is filling my lungs with cement and crushing the butterflies that usually live in my tummy. The hate grows and grows, the body count exponentially increases, while two jack asses hammer it out for president who will probably do nothing to change the gun laws that are allowing people to be mowed down like an overgrown lawns.

What are we going to do to actually change this dying planet. I don't have answers. I'm searching desperately. If you have some, please, message me.

www.gofundme.com/PulseVictimsFund
www.thecenterorlando.org

Edited by Emily Brodtman (I LOVE YOU)
Music: Get Money: Biggie
Dreams Money Can Buy: Drake

We Have the Power To Be Our Own Friend - Or the Folly To be Our Own Enemy- Krishna

 love Hare Krishnas. They're like little orange Pokemon and I want to catch them all. Of all the Cool Aids religious zealots have tried to serve me, it's the one I always feel like I could drink.

As I continue my quest to figure out what I think about God I keep bumping up against these guys, mostly because they're all over NYC and so bloody loud with their cow bells and shouting. So here we have Zoe Vs. Hare Krishna's round two. In the end, I love their commitment to peace, veganism and kindness, but they also do come off as used car salesman in fanta colored pashminas after a while trying to shove their totally one sided views about how to live your life. Either way, they always leave me reflective about would I be happier if I had someone like Krishna on my side.

This Memorial Day weekend I was an exceptional place called Members Only Camp Out, a full on music dancing orgy with the most professional partiers Brooklyn has to offer. Sometimes I feel like these people were put into those two test tube from the Movie the "FLY" and they were in one tube and records, sunglasses ketamine, prayer beads, tattoos, and the words "Tulum, Burning Man and Ayahuasca" in the other and then through SCIENCE they were genetically fused into one creature with superhero powers to stay up for days on end dancing and chatting and laughing and having a wonderfully positive attitude toward life, (and randomly loosing pieces of their nose) My kinda people.

However it was a fucking blast. Held on a old kids camp grounds on a lake full of trees and frogs and stars and bon fires I was a happy camper. ANYWAY while I was there I met this amazing guy and when you looked at him all I could think of was the song..."one of these things is not like the other..." because he was just rough and hood as fuck albeit really really handsome. He danced like a drunk lemur (kind of like that weird 90's low ninja dancing?) and had a red light in his mouth, and his tattoos weren't of Escher stairs, they were of prison style Americana so I knew he wasn't one of our bushwick party crew.

Warning, he also uses racial slang in this episode that that I certainly would never use, but this is his story...

Remember don't do drugs kids, they're very very bad. BUT if you're going to do them, make sure you have big green trees and a good sound system, hot girlfriends you can watch dance and someone to discuss politics with cuz then, then it's super duper fun. THANK YOU MEMBERS ONLY. I LOVED IT.

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY EVERYONE

Gods Are Fragile Things, They May Be Killed With a Whiff of Science or a Dose Of Common Sense - Richard Dawkins

A couple months ago I called an Uberpool to take me to work....and when I opened up the door, who was sitting snug as a bug in a rug? A real life curly q Heimish! Now, even though I live with and see them almost every day, it's like we are living in two separate universes. They usually seem to look right through me, and refuse to smile, nod, wave, or make casual conversation at the post office, grocery store, the M train whenever our paths may cross...

So I enlisted my dear friend Zev who actually was raised in an Orthodox Jewish community to help me understand better the claims this wonderfully nice man made to me that rainy day, namely, no one who leaves the cult of the Orthodox could be happy. I called him one day while he was driving up to Dream land, the promise land he's building for himself, a lakeside community he's creating with all his amazing friends, sitting next to his gorgeous blonde 24 year old european girlfriend who has a smile that could knock the keepah right off your head....to ask him for and insiders perspective behind the iron Tallit.

Once as a punishment when I was bad, my parents sent me to live with a Hasidic family, and it left a vicious mark on my 12 year old psyche. It was akin to stepping into a time portal into the literal past: no electronics, no books, no color, all business. They had 12 children, I slept in the room with the littlest one was was 3 who had hair to his shoulders and I kept confusing him for a girl which made me super unpopular with the rest of the house especially the Mother who basically took all my clothes the first day and threw them out replacing them with drab cement colored wool numbers that erased any body silhouette and left you looking like a cylinder block. However I wasn't too bothered because I just kept imagining I had been cast in a real life version of Fiddler on the Roof and soon the curtain would come down and I would return back into my life of sin.

ANYWAY I've been thinking a lot about happiness, community, religion and my own personal relationship with the culture and beliefs on which I was raised. As I continue to force myself to mature, I'm trying to lay to rest my childish anger towards the sadness and judgement I felt coming from my fathers very religious parents who consistently would tell me things like "You'll never understand our sacrifice or the true meaning of family..." and were consistently disgusted by my appearance, clothing, and zest for exploration outside what I felt to be prison like walls Judism erected around sexuality, freedom and choice. I used to argue with her, for hours, about the existence of God. I never believed and because of that, she thought I was a disrespectful spoiled Americanized disgrace. One of the last things my grandmother ever told me before erasing me from her will and life (when I was 14) was that I would never understand what love meant.
But she was wrong. Because it turns out, you can find and manifest love every where you go. As always I am so grateful to Zev for allowing me into his brain to understand the world in which he comes from. Because regardless that we've pretty much forsaken the god from which we came from, we are happy. So take that miscellaneous Hasidic guy.

You can follow me on twitter @genuinelyfalse instagram @drznightingale snapchat @djkillinit website www.zoenightingale.com

 

One Can Survive Everything, Nowadays, Except Death, and Live Down Everything Except a Good Reputation - Wilde

I have known and loved Zev Eisenberg, half of Brooklyn's infamous Wolf and Lamb music duo for almost a decade. Zev is simply one of the coolest mother fuckers I have ever met. He has the best b.s detector of anyone I know, and is always the first to call me out whenever I do or say something stupid (which is often) I wanted to share his story because I think his journey is of IMMENSE value to anyone who is going through intense sickness or helping someone they love get well. The fact is that while modern medicine has afforded us incredible achievements in the battle against cancer and disease, it is not the only way that one can heal. If you or someone you love is going through this, I would highly recommend seeking out second opinions before you dive head first into the never ending abyss that is western way of dealing with illness.

His story is also of great value to me, because today is the first day of my super hardcore very bad no good month long detox cleanse for I too have not been so well.

Like any good Brooklynite, I hired a woman who looks like Tinkerbell and has a ultra hyphonated made up hippie name like she was raised by two lesbian art critics....to help me get my life back.

So I'm sorry that I haven't been around my dear loyal and loving listeners. I promise I will be back to my fighting weight in no time. Wish me luck. I'll let you all know what life without meat, dairy, fun, sugar, gluten, drugs and booze is like in a month.

LOVE
Z

Music: Don't Break It -Zev Eisenberg
Last Night a DJ Saved My Life - Indeep
Edited by: Emily Brodtman

Thank you again to the WHOLE Wolf + Lamb Crew Love family for letting me do my live show in your amazing new Marcy North Hotel. SO MUCH LOVE FOR YOU

The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated - Gandhi

Japan has left me full of wonder from the past and equally obsessively concerned with the present and future. I feel like i'm trapped inside a Baraka video. Everywhere I go streams and droves of ant like humans, half of them covered in scary medical face masks stream over and around me like i'm a stick in the way of their march through the forrest, the sea of faces parts and I feel like i'm somehow stationary in this human/technological charybdis where a zillion crazy asian sounds and mega giant screens fill my head with subliminal advertisements and then my throat gets itchy and all I can think is wouldn't it be nice to have a cold icy Coca Cola and then go to shopping.

It's this bizarre molotov cocktail  of having a people who are so delightfully homogenous to the point where NO ONE locks their bikes and there's NO trash cans because people take care of their own trash and strangers stop instantly to help you any time you look remotely lost or confused, a people who routinely wear Hannibal Lecter type face masks for weeks if they are sick to reduce the risk to their fellow countrymen...I fell asleep on the train with my laptop/cellphone/wallet literally next to me in plain view and what happened? NOTHING! Because even their mafia the Yakuza, pays taxes and has an honor system. Then add to this crock pot a tablespoon school girl fetish,  a dollop pokemon porn with a cup of Hentai/Manga and a dash of rape fantasies and top it all off with an anglo saxon feature worship that's so omnipresent that I never see asian faces advertising anything and there are thousands of photo booths that help girls do instant airbrushing on their face so they can have rounder more western eyes, lighter skin and smaller noses. 

This is also a culture who is so addicted to their virtual lives that barely anyone is reproducing and the population of Japan in the next 20 years will be reduced by 2o percent due to the lowest birthright in the solar system because let's face it, who want to go through the struggle of   trying to insert your genitals into another actual breathing human when you can sit at home and jerk off to a perfect anime creature who will love you for you? I get it. 

However, it's been exceptionally difficult to get any answers because very few people speak english and even if they do, it's almost impossible to get substantive answers about basically anything. It's all politeness, all surface, lots of bowing and kindness...which makes for extra medium story telling. 

However the good news is I've become friends with some beautiful dark African men with brilliant smiles have set up shop and are doing all kinds of brilliant entrepreneurial work here AND as always, red cheeked women from all over the world who work in the sex industry. Either way, i'll keep trying.

I begin with my first episode from here, recorded after we had hiked up a mountain in Kyoto where was this hidden monkey park, but google had lied to us, and we ran into a lovely Chinese couple that was similarly following technology into no where and I as we walked down the mountain I talked to him a little bit about his life. My findings? Devastating.

Again I know that I shouldn't place one animal above the other, that all animals have little tiny noses and feelings and personalities and as I've basically stopped eating meat entirely I shouldn't get on a soap box for one and not all but this story made me particularly want to kill myself and wipe out the rest of humanity so nature could take a billion years to recover herself and perhaps create a more thoughtful, and kind sentient being to live harmoniously with her glory.

So I will admit to you all that I’ve been struggling. I’ve created and destroyed several versions of my interactions with Michael Alig.

I’m struggling because his is a story that could be told a million ways, and ultimately I’m left feeling trapped by the enormity of it all. I’ve been talking to Michael pretty much every day, over the past month, about his past, present and future, and one of my main problems is that we have a similar kind of dark humor that ends up feeling really icky when the context of his crime is constantly hovering like his personal albatross. White, huge, it's wingspan covers my eyes and plugs my ears and I cannot see my way around it. So I cut, and I re-insert, and I sit and stare at the window, wondering about what forgiveness means as a society.

According to our Judicial System he is a man absolved. He has done his time, he has been rehabilitated and the rest of us should view him as such. But he is a man marked forever by his past, and I've had a hard time climbing out from under the weight of his crime.

Does one crime overshadow all the good in your life? How long should someone be held accountable for a crime committed in their drug-soaked youth?

More importantly: How do you forgive yourself? How do you sleep at night when you've done a great wrong? Does it get duller every day...? After 20 years, how deeply does Michael’s crime still affect him?

There never was a good war, or a bad peace - Benjamin Franklin

Ok so I voluntarily jumped off a cliff into the never-ending rabbit hole that is the Iraeli/Palestinian Conflict. Fun! Let me apologize ahead of time for the sound on this one, blame alcohol as always and not setting up microphones in a stationary way. So first up, the Israeli soldier I fell for when I was forced to go on birthright by my mother about 5 years ago. When he walked into the charter bus a bunch of chomosomally challenged Jewish Americans and I were sharing I left a actual puddle on the seat. You should have seen his giant gun and uniform! Unreal. For a girl who grew up with men that couldn't connect a V.C.R, this was really a novel sight.

He was part of the Sheldags, a hyper elite squadron that was in charge of the most difficult secret sniper missions. He trained for years, was tortured and tested by his leaders to make sure he could have handled capture or torture from the other side. He was the toughest boy I had ever met. He was 21 at the time, but he wore the weight of the whole world on this hunched shoulders. When I left he gave me his pin, a parachute with wings, which was apparently like the highest form of compliment i could have gotten from him. I still have it.

I stayed in Israel afterwards in this little hut on his Kibbutz picking avocados and passion fruit from trees, learning how to milk cows and plant tomatoes...chain smoking cigarettes and downing thick dark bottled ales. He was an amazing guitarist, but unfortunately obsessed with Dave Matthews, so he'd play crash into me (HATE that song) and we would sit in grass and peel fruit and watch shooting stars and discuss politics in his extra medium english. The good news was we always had a way of understand one another. I feel in love with him, his country, his pride, and his entire way of life. Ive always kept in touch with him and thought he's be the perfect person to shed some light on this on going mess.

What have I learned...? That I still love Israel. That I don't agree with sanctions, that I don't believe that anyone should be forced form their home and made to live like an outsider, that is FUCKING COMPLEX, that I hate that people make you choose, that it's this seemingly black or white equation when it's really a prism of a 100 fucked up shades of silence and despair and fear and hope and death and perseverance. That I love human resilience, that I am in awe of the fabric we have woven together as a jewish people and how amazing it is that a tiny itty bitty military complex could ward off every surrounding land that is it's actual enemy. That I think that Palestinians should have representations and a place to call their own home.

Mostly though, that everyone is wrong, and everyone is right and it makes no difference because people are starving and dying and life is brutally unfair .

Edited by Katherine Ray Mondo & Emily Brodtman

  I mean come on! 

 

I mean come on! 

  wasn't he so CUTE this isn't even a good photo    

 

wasn't he so CUTE this isn't even a good photo

 

 

Killing it on camels for the first time most uncomfy ride of MY LIFE

Killing it on camels for the first time most uncomfy ride of MY LIFE

  Rocking the Dead sea

 

Rocking the Dead sea

  Like all young jews, we had to hike Masada at sunrise. Sexy. times. Can't believe I ever did this.

 

Like all young jews, we had to hike Masada at sunrise. Sexy. times. Can't believe I ever did this.

After All What Is A Lie? 'Tis the Truth In Masquerade. - Lord Byron

Jeepers Creepers Kathy Jane is gonna hop aboard the angry train after this one. Sorry mom. For the millionth time. My B. All systems point to this is your fault somehow. So this is a quick mini episode to tide you over under my 2nd iteration of my live show this time on March 11th from 8/10 pm EST. It will be broadcast live from the Marcy Hotel North which is a legendary underground Brooklyn party ware house that houses the whole Wolf and Lamb (Crew Love) posse. I had some of my very best youth filled nights of debauchery and chaos in their squash court lined walls.

This very special episode will focus on what happens when the party is over...How do you rebuild your life from the ground up after trauma, sickness or incarceration? First up Michael Alig - the original party monster, creator of "club kids" when Limelight wasn't a shopping mall. He has just been released from jail after 17 years in max security prison for brutally killing and dismembering his friend and roommate, Angel.

Second - Zev Eisenberg, creator of Wolf and Lamb, underground Brooklyn Party superstar, international DJ and producer who has used food and lifestyle changes to survive cancer.

I am so nervous. Wish me luck. I just had a beautiful Brittish girl rub my whole body in coconut oil and align my chakras to combat my nerves. Life is GOOD.

Just wanted to remind you all that if you put "ZOE" into the discount box at www.adamandeve.com you will get 10 free legit gifts with any purchase, discounts, and free shipping. It comes with so many fun games and toys and oils and vibrators...you don't even need a partner to enjoy it...trust me! Anything you buy here helps convince them I'm worthwhile to sponsor and helps me shake more shekels out of them in the future when we renegotiate my contract so..be a pal...and buy yourself a large strap on...because you won't just be helping yourself...you'll be helping a young (ish) woman's dream stay alive

I LOVE YOU MOM!!!! You're my best friend. Embarrassed face emoticon.

Music: Would I Lie To You - Annie Lennox
Your MY best friend - Queen
Follow me! Review me! Rate me! Love me! Tweet Me! Facebook me. Um...periscope me...ooh that sounds DIRTY

Faith means not wanting to know what is true. — Friedrich Nietzsche

A couple rainy days ago I called an Uberpool to take me to work, I opened up the door, and who was sitting snug as a bug in a rug? A real life curly q Heimish! Now, even though I live with and see them almost every day, it's almost like we are living in two separate universes. They usually seem to look right through me, and almost never smile, nod, wave, or make casual conversation at the post office, grocery store, the M train whenever our paths my cross.

I once was sent to live with a Hasidic family when I was 12, it left a vicious mark on my memory. It was like stepping into a time portal into the literal past, no electronics, no books, no color, all business. They had 12 children, I slept in the room with the littlest one was was 3 who had hair to his shoulders and I kept confusing him for a girl which made me super unpopular with the rest of the house especially the Mother who basically took all my clothes the first day and threw them out replacing them with drab cement colored wool numbers that erased any body silhouette and left you looking like a cylinder block.

ANYWAY I've been thinking a lot about happiness, community, religion and my own personal relationship with the culture and beliefs on which I was raised. As I continue to force myself to mature, I'm trying to lay to rest my childish anger towards the sadness and judgement I felt coming from my fathers very religious parents who consistently would tell me things like "You'll never understand our sacrifice or the true meaning of family..." and were consistently disgusted by my appearance, clothing, and zest for exploration outside what I felt to be prison like walls Judism erected around sexuality, freedom and choice. I used to argue with her, for hours, about the existence of God. I never believed and because of that, she thought I was a disrespectful spoiled Americanized disgrace. One of the last things she ever told me before erasing me from her will and life (when I was 14) was that I would never understand what love meant.

The thing is, I've always been able to feel her blood running through my veins and guiding me through life especially when I was first building my business. She was a Gorgeous brilliant and unstoppable Entrepreneur. The mastermind behind the huge businesses that my family built from scratch out of nothing. She came to Pittsburgh via Poland in the beginning of the 20th century as one of 8 siblings with a couple gold watches and acted like she was a incensed Spanish bull and the whole world was red. While she made me miserable, and deeply envious of my friends who had smiling grandparents who baked cookies and taught them how to ride bikes etc, I always was secretly proud of her calculator brain and razor sharp wit. I hope that if she could see me now she would feel the same for me....but either way, I'm going to try to delve deeper into my history and find some peace within it's mangrove roots. Because regardless, it is who I am, there's no use running from it or yelling at people who believe in it. Going to try to embrace it and move on.

"Religion easily has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money."

-George Carlin

God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time - Robin Williams

Good golly miss Molly I fell in love with this woman. I mean I spent most of the interview mesmerized by her face and her perfect round belly (SUPER preggo) I would never let my boyfriend's penis anywhere near this soon to be MILF. I could go on forever about how lovely it is to see a sex positive Iranian immigrant woman create a empire out of dick picks. You just can't make this stuff up. She gave me a ton of free swag, a t-shirt with a little trump dick, fridge magnets, and my FAVORITE the gift wrapping paper. I'm going to buy anything and everything she makes. 


Thank you for inviting me into your home and allowing me to bask in your glow. 


Check out all her work at
www.dicturegallery.com
Follow her on twitter&Insta @dickturegallery

Check out ALL my work www.zoenightingale.com
Follow me @genuinelyfalse (twitter) @drznightingale (insta)

To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength

You know, it takes alot of confidence to strut around with ya junk and ya trunk out walking around a city with some of the most hot to trot lads and lasses in all the lands. Where do they find the time I always wonder as the breeze from their slickly coiffed pony tail whips by my face, the faint glow of their perfectly coordinated neon outfit leaving acid like trails in my eyes.

Even when I do put down the bloody mary's and go to the gym IF I can find a sports bra, non thigh high socks AND a hair tie that didn't come off a banana, I consider it a feat akin to stealing fire from the gods.

Perhaps these uber manicured people don't have four jobs and an elderly dog that walks about as fast as a sea turtle defiantly crawling up a sand dune to lay it's eggs. It is also possible that they don't have a gaggle of oscar worthy actresses as bff's having Fukashima style life meltdowns every other day....

..Because somehow, everyone is buff and on their 12th day of a cleanse that consists of a combination of sheer determination, a murder forgiving level of insanity and cold pressed, gluten free, sugar free, kosher, vegan rabbit pellets. OR they're all on enough adderall to power all the vibrators of all the housewives in the mid west... I DON'T KNOW how people do it.

What was my point again? OH YES. No pants Subway ride. Put on every year by the wonderful mischief makers at Improv Everywhere Now, I like my tuchus, it's warm and friendly and easy to talk too... BUT I am NOT an instagram girl with a instant Miami toe, and practiced selfie pout, who likes to be naked in public. I get really nervous, anytime I have to put out or get it high school style, I'm all talk. I don't like being anything close to in my under roos around strangers. 
It also does not help that I've gained a soaking wet pre schooler in weight this year and yet despite that I live in a hamster cage sized apartment with less closet space than John Malcovich's head, I still have a LARGE section of clothes in my closet I refer to lovingly as "the way we were...." or "yeah right," for short.

I can't decide whether it's my cheap Jewey Lewis and the News mentality of never throwing anything out that doesn't have mice actively living inside of it OR my Ozymandias like insistence that once day I'll have Bridget Jones Moment where I throw all my sins in a garbage bin and obsessively go to soul cycle classes whatever the hell that is, and finally fit into my club gear from 09'. Sadly, I've finally come to the conclusion that unless I actually amputate a leg or ALL my ribs disappear magically, this is not going to happen.

So I guess I wanted to do this event because I thought it would be good practice for me to walk out with my cock out in New York Fucking City and....It was just wonderful. So what is the point? I walked around pretty much naked and black guys said i had that "Coco." This is apparently a good thing. Hurray!

Until Valentines day you can put my name into Adamandevetoys.com 's discount box and they'll give you 50% off anything in their online store, ship it to you for free and there will be a Zoe approved gift bag containing a vibrator, a special gift for him AND a mystery adult DVD yes yes i know they still make those!!

I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees - Pablo Neruda

I GOT A SPONSOR!!! Whoo hooooooooo!!! Finally. Who better then the lovely people behind Adam and Eve Toys! Until Valentines Day you can enter my name "ZOE" into the check out box at
www.adamandeve.com
and you'll get 50 percent off whatever dastardly object your foul little mind can think up! YOU'RE WELCOME!! Also they'll ship it for free and it comes with a Zoe approved bag including but not limited a vibrator, a "special" gift for him and a mystery DVD!! I swear, those are still a thing! So dust off your DVD players, turn up the Barry White and get to town. I need ALL of you to do this so they know my listeners are perverts who will buy their wares and they'll keep sponsoring me and I can keep making podcasts HUZZAH!

sidenote. I did not make the god aweful imagine obvi, they did.

It would be absurd if we did not understand both angels and devils, since we invented them. - John Steinbeck

If I had a dollar for everytime someone who loved god told me he wished I had never been born I would be diving in Scrooge Mc Duck style vaults of gold coins, and doing back strokes through rubies. I don't know why I do it. Why do I always want to talk to men standing on bible soapboxes?

So there I was minding my own business on an epic date to see the best musical of all actual time, Hamilton, with my favorite person ever Navin. He is a gorgeous caramel colored Indian man, which obviously angered our lord and savior because out of nowhere this very angry man was yelling that particular blend of hypocritical diametrically opposed hooey of love and hate that ONLY religious zealots can master.

Why do I always stop? What is actually wrong with me? I can't help it. They are my meth, the flame to my moth antennae, and I cannot keep away from their glittery hot white light.

I just want once, just once to have an articulate conversation with someone about Jesus. I Challenge you internet universe, to send me someone with heart and wit who I can talk to me about why the laws of science don't apply to them, why it's ok to preach love and acceptance but marginalize those who are different and vilify woman for stepping out of the June Cleaver box they'd like to put all our Vaj's in.

Come on. One intelligent debate. It must be possible. Until then, pray for my cursed soul and maybe send me some new shoes? Honestly, because if my soles look more valuable than my soul, my soul IS SO SO CHEAP, flat and used.

"Bigamy is having one wife too many - Monogamy is the same" Oscar Wilde

As I watch those around me voluntarily march down the road most travelled, my feelings towards marriage and procreation have not changed. I avoid them like the bubonic plague. I know that there are many wonderfully happy couples who have found ways to use the foundation you build with another human to grow and learn etc....but I definitely would rather have sex with a chainsaw....to put it more kindly, it just simply isn't my brew of macha.

I know I run the risk of actually becoming a discount bin version of Sarah Jessica Parker, wistfully waxing poetically about the wonders of being a single gal in New York City, except I am aware that she only made it look cool because she had 40,000 in heels and a sexy rent controlled one bedroom in a brown stone and I still live in a tiny crumbly apt with two other people while simultaneously wearing the same style of flat Steve Madden suede knee high boots I first got in 7th grade.. no savings, no investments, no property, no children, no foundational anything....I wonder is getting married the only way for me to actually grow up and create an infrastructure for a meaningful life for my older years? 
I spent my life building my business and collecting beautiful humans....cultivating what I thought would be life-long friendships with charismatic hooligans who I poured all my love and energy into but one by one they are vanishing like the Truffla Trees, leaving me, the sad little Lorax standing on the last stump wondering why a S'need is something that everyone needs.

I'm rambling but seriously, my best friend from college had a baby today. TODAY. I am a god mother. Hell hath frozen right over. Things are changing, now I can't get Stevie Nicks lyrics in Landslide out of my head these days...

"I've been afraid of changing, because I built my life around you. Time makes you bolder, even children get older, and I'm getting older too."

Anyway wish me luck, I want to make my mom happy, so it looks like I'm going to have to suck it up, and join the parade and say yes to some dress.....Well maybe a peacock colored mardi gras dress that's designed by a drag queen but I think at this point my mom will take what she can get.

If you know ANYONE that should go on a date with my amazing mother please send all relevant info to my email genuinelyfalse@gmail.com. That's her on her wedding day

Love love love
Z

Edited by: Jordan Reisman
White Wedding: Billy Idol
Chapel of Love: The Shirelles