ZOES GUIDE TO RENEGADE BURN
HELLO RENEGADERS!
This is Zoe, your trusty camp Dictator, here to guide you through what you will need in this upcoming literal shitshow. This will be my 10th time on playa, and it took me a very long time to know how to do it right, and somehow I always do it wrong. However, I’m here to offer you some semi friendly advice on how to survive Renegade.
Well, let's start here. DO NOT EXPECT THIS TO BE FUCKING BURNING MAN. This is back to basics baby, this is gonna be a bunch of people acting like meth addicts searching through every nook and cranny of their house because they think that they hid a fat rock from themselves…..and if they look through the fibers of the carpet PERHAPS THEY CAN FIND IT....
FIRST THINGS FIRST !!
Renegade has NOTHING TO DO WITH BURNING MAN. If you’re expecting some transformative, beautiful, filtered experience to combat your childhood traumas and be wrapped up in a hazy white cocoon of human connection, you’re gonna be super super sad. This will be the year of the cockroach people, the few, the proud, the chosen, who have learned very particular skills to survive in this kind of environment. This will be the year of guns and thievery and explosions and drag racing dune buggies and grime and grit and I for one AM SO EXCITED. Year after year I’ve seen pillsbury dough people fly into playa, adding nothing, taking everything, and my dream is that this is the year of just the absolute psychopaths that I’ve grown to love so much over many many years of this shit. So if this sounds scary to you, don’t go. Stay home, watch something familiar and wholesome like the Office, fuck a rando off Hinge, balance a tub of chubby hubby on your belly and enjoy the air con. This year is NOT FOR YOU.
LETS GO OVER MY NEW FOUR PRINCIPLES OF RENEGADE
Don’t be an asshole and shit where you eat. You need plans to pee/poo at all times. Even if you have an RV/there will NOT be pump/dump services, and trust me, you don’t want a tin can sitting in the sun full of you and your loved ones excrement. If you can’t bring your own portapotties, GET CREATIVE. Get a bunch of cat litter and a bucket and a small tent and a chair and take out the cushion so you have something to sit on. I dunno. BUT FIGURE IT OUT - the interwebs are full of solutions.
IF YOU SEE PEOPLE MOOPING ALL OVER THE PLACE, lightly correct them by using any of the tested and true spanish inquisition style devices that made so many of my jewish ancestors bow down to Christ. You see MOOP, you grab it and depose of it. You see MOOOPERS, take a 12 inch dildo and give them a toncilectomy. FIgure it out, you’ve watched enough porn to find creative ways to help our less moop minded friends change their behavior.
DON’T DIE. This is very simple. Water, light up at night, don’t take so much DMT you think you’re a bloomin onion and start to devour your fingers.
Lock it UP. Your RV - Your bike - your car - people will be stealing anything they can. Believe me. THIS IS NOT THE BURN - if i was a thief you better believe I would be out there stealing all the apple products I could find from idiot's’ unlocked stuff. Get a lockbox for your crew and just keep keys in there.
THERE WILL BE NOTHING!!! I REPEAT NOTHING THERE TO HELP YOU FROM KILLING YOURSELF
NO INFRATRUCTURE
NO HOSPITALS
NO LIGHTING
NO GRID
NO MAN
NO STREET SIGNS.
NO TRASH FENCE
NO ICE WILL BE SOLD
NO MISINFORMATION
NO DEPARTMENT OF MONSTER VEHICLES
NO PORTA POTTIES
ZIP. ZERO ZILCH NADA CAPICHE
The air quality is literally as good as sitting inside of a hot boxed meth kitchen where everyone is chain smoking and there is no air flow. YOU BETTA BRING A GOOD FUCKING MASK. I know we are all sick of masks, but honestly, the playa sucks to begin with for your lungs, couple that with forest fires and you my friend will super regret not bringing the good shit. You like your lungs? YOU LIKE BREATHING? Get a good mask.
People will be driving cars across the playa at all times. YOU NEED TO BE SUPER CAREFUL ALL THE TIME. There’s no speed rules, nothing to stop someone from literally running you over on your bike, you have to be super fucking aware and conscious at all times. There will not be anyone to medivac you to a hospital this year... look both ways, there may be a large converse shoe full of clowns going 20 MPH about to squish you at any time. OR JUST SOME ASSHOLE FROM VENICE IN A TEAL BRONCO 2.
Download the WHAT3WORDS APP - and register your camp now and get your three words and send them to your friends who are going so they can find you with G.P.S
My three words are HOTSPOTS.OFFERED.DUPE - I’m at coco disco, we have pina coladas and a sound system and yes, you guessed it, disco. We believe we’ll be somewhere around 8 and J. Find me if you can.
Because there is no trash fence, playa is literally BOUNDLESS this year, getting disoriented and lost is a real danger, so you should bring a compass if you know how to use one, or just really keep track of where you’re adventuring and bring TWICE the amount of water with you at all times in case you get turned around.
LAST THING!
This will be the year of true core inter camp play. There’s literally no art and almost no music camps so Joyously this means more time for fun games to play with your renegade neighbors!! HUZZAH! ITS PRIME TIME COMEDY HOUR BOYS AND GIRLS, saddle up and contribute/participate. I for one have a number of truth or dare games set up and a tiny tequila shot beer pong/acid roulette game that should prove very popular.
Now I have just my regular tips for anyone heading to burning man....
Burning Man Fashion - do not stress about this too much
My guess is you will end up wearing the same outfit for three days straight until the juices from your party holes combines with the magical dust (which is technically the same thing as battery acid) and it starts to literally disintegrate whatever outfit you decided in a fit of panic was the right one to wear when you were high as a lonely helium balloon that a sad kid let slip through his grubby little fingers and now it's wandering aimlessly about the sky, getting higher and higher until until it bursts or kills birds or whatever it is balloons do when they escape into the sky.
LET ME BE CRYSTAL CLEAR - comfort and ability to adapt to extreme weather changes is the name of the game.
Ladies, leave your stupid platform shoes at HOME. No matter how hot you look, you'll be surrounded by mountain cheeked alien women with eyes so large you think it was possible they are actually half human half lemur with breasts so well shaped and bouncy that they literally disprove most of Newton's laws of gravity...dressed in Mad Max strips of "fabric" (my mother calls them "tatters") that bravely try to cover up the cervix and nipples of the cacophony of supermodels that descend from their thrones on Mount Olympus to frolic among the mere mortals. Don’t try to compete with them. They’re not real. They can be some of Playas greatest art.
Never fear, they aren’t having fun anyway. Their feet are killing them and they are always looking for their lipgloss.
So, my point is being hot is great, but there will always be someone hotter and with a cooler outfit, so focus on your sparkly personality, and just let it go
That being said, I expect ALL OF YOU TO SHOW is UP LOOKING AMAZING.
But comfortable and relaxed. Please try to figure out what you're going to wear and put each outfit into its own plastic bag and label it so you can just grab it and go.
These are the CORE ITEMS YOU NEED NO QUESTIONS ASKED DO NOT LEAVE THESE AT HOME OR I WILL PUT YOU IN BURNING MAN JAIL AND YOU DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE IT'S just a holding place before they take you to Reno state jail...which is NOT ON BRAND FOR YOU. You are some soft as fuck city dwelling hipster creative type with only apple products and strong feelings about the kind of milk that goes in your coffee. You do not want to see what meth face is. FOLLOW THE RULES.
WARM JACKET
This should have a hood, be oversized and be made of fake fur or real fur if you're a terrible person totally fine.
EL WIRE LIGHTS AND LIGHT ACCESSORIES
Which should be sewn or secured in your jacket and maybe hat before burning man. I don't want any of your virgin assholes turning into BM roadkill. I ran over someone once at night in my golf cart cuz they weren’t lit up, they were fine, and in the court of burning man law, THAT IS THEIR FAULT. LIGHT UP.LIGHT THE FUCK UP. You better turn into the Christmas tree I always wanted but never got. TWINKLE TWINKLE BITCH
CAMEL BACK OR LARGE NALGENE
I cannot stress this enough, as long as you drink water, you'll be fine there. You can take all the drugs in the world, but that place will dry your ass out faster than a man getting you tickets to a Dave Matthews show.
GOOGLES
Just get ski goggles they are great there. OR have very large oversized sunglasses that are a shield shape. I would attach sunglasses holders to them you will lose them, they will fall off, just do it. Do you like your retinas? Cool. GET GOOD EYE PROTECTION.
SCARVES & DUST MASKS
THIS YEAR YOU NEED THE BEST POSSIBLE SHIT
BIKE
THIS YEAR WE MAY NOT EVEN BE ABLE TO BIKE AROUND PLAYA. No clue. This may be the year of the car. So either way, bring one, but be prepared to be walking carefully from one place to the next.
If you bring a bike, I like beach cruisers, some people like to have breaks and gears, whatever you fancy, YOUR BIKE IS YOUR LIFE. Put a Tile on that shit. Some well meaning hippie that gets confused about what time is, will steal it by accident. LOCK IT UP. EVERY FUCKING TIME. Locks keep honest burners, FROM STEALING YOUR BIKE. THIS YEAR THERE IS NOTHING STOPPING SOMEONE FROM STEALING ALL YOUR SHIT
Chose carefully. Get the more expensive model. Do not be cheap about this. Get the good shit. You may want to get another seat for your bike. You're riding A LOT.
Baskets are very very good to have on your bike. You also need to light that shit up. They sell things that go in the spokes that make cool designs, but bring things to light up that shit with you and a light for the front to project out when you're riding at night.
BRING A BIKE LOCK FROM HOME people always forget to and Walmart is always sold out and then you will be fucked because this year there is going to be ALOT of theft, LOCK THAT SHIT UP.
WALKIES
Walkie Talkies are amazing, if you’re smart enough to all get on the right channel. You’re probably not. But this year I would recommend getting walkies. Make sure you set them up ahead of time and get your whole crew on the same channel,
BUY TILES
Cover anything you love in tiles. tape one to your phone, tape one to your body. Put them on your keys. EVERYTHING GETS LOST THERE.
WEATHER
The desert has four to six separate temperatures every day. You will be warm sweating then happy and then freezing and you can never really get adjusted. Layer. Day time is bathing suits, rompers, light, I would stay away from black because from 12 - 4 pm is molten lava hot. Then some years it's so cold I’m surprised penguins aren’t guarding eggs next to me, and some years it's so warm you don't need anything and I’m like FUCK WHY DID I BRING ALL THOSE WARM THINGS I HAD MORE ROOM FOR LIGHT UP SWORDS. You never know. Whatever you don’t bring you will need, that’s the fun game playa plays with you. SO BRING IT ALL.
SHOES
Whatever you wear, they better be broken in and they better be good for dancing. Get FANCY HIKER SOCKS. Or just padded cushioned ones cuz you're doing 20 x the amount of physical movement and your feet need to be treated like a tiny Nepalese child that has picked the same prayer beads as Buddha. In case you don’t understand what that means because you need to READ BOOKS MORE, it means: THAT SHIT IS SACRED YO. You fuck you feet. You fucked. Simple as that.
COVER YOUR SHIT
Even though it's hot, you do not want to leave your skin exposed, Get flowing light fabric cover ups to protect your skin. Every year I leave looking like a baby pig on a spit roast. Sunblock is good, but it won't save you. COVER IT UP. Parasols, visors, hats - sunblock all day every day.
BRING HALF THE AMOUNT OF STUFF YOU PUT IN YOUR SUITCASE
Go through your suitcase and you better be wearing every single thing you're bringing. Be thoughtful. Be organized. Pack in cubes, keep things together. The more organized you can be when you get to Playa the better because the moment you get there everything is so hard. Check the batteries you need for things. See if there's special tools you need to build some of the stuff you're bringing. Just do everything ahead of time, take the packaging off stuff, do not bring garbage in with you.
Get a bunch of different sized plastic bags Ziplock bags or for those more earth conscious reusable ones whatever and put everything of value electronics what have you in bags and have all your clean clothes in SEALED bags or they will get dust all over them. Nothing is safe from the dust.
HEALTH
Do not bring your entire medicine cabinet.
Sunblock. Get the reef safe shit and get the stuff without the cancer toxins. there's only like three of them. Spray is the only way.
Blister stuff
SLEEPING PILLS. Get all the Ambien you can possibly find or Melatonin (but really when you need to be knocked out turn to mother's little helper) Sleeping at burning man is literally impossible even when you're sober. It's loud, it's weird, you're surrounded by people looking for their nipple pasty it's a nightmare.
Eye mask
Get amazing ear plugs, - it's loud loud loud loud loud
Throat things - you will lose your voice.
Chapstick with sun protection SUPER IMPORTANT. I duct tape mine to a lanyard with a retractable coil on it and have it on me at all times.
Every night you need at some point to take your feet out wipe them down completely and cover them in lotion. There is a dreaded thing called “Playa foot” I am not joking and it’s even less pleasant than it sounds. The dust can do terrible things to your skin if you don’t just wipe down and take care.
Baby wipes. Do not buy the industrial size. Get normal size, you don’t need that many. Your dirty ass will use like 30 max while you’re there. You CANNOT put these in the portaloos you need to pack these out with you, bring a ziplock for these.
INTERNET
I doubt the internet will work. Put an away message on and fuck it.
SEX
Its very difficult to fuck at the burn. So don't even worry about it. But dudes if you're trying to go to bone town and you've got issues with manhood on drugs...you're in trouble. Just focus on yourself.
Ladies. Apple cider vinegar is your Vaginas friend. Bring it.
If you're bleeding - you're fucked. It sucks. Good luck. I could give you options here but any way you spin the dreidel it’s gonna land on the one where your brother gets all your chocolate gold.
DRUGS
Take it SLOW. Less is more here. Get your bearings. Learn the maps. Get the system. Find your nearest hospital. Understand your section, make visual cues like the Dragon with a dildo horn is facing the man which means my camp is two blocks to the left. You'll get it when you're there. Bring enough drugs that you'll never run out and the possibility that your friends will steal them all.
Side note, if I had one wish it would be that Burning Man would be coke free. I know that won't happen but let me give you some advice. You want to be on drugs that make your heart and mind as open as humanly possible. You also don't want to be taking drugs you have to take constantly because there are VERY REAL POLICE THERE trying to catch you. Pot smokers and power snorters get picked up all the time. DO NOT DO DRUGS OUT IN THE OPEN. You used to be able to do that, not anymore. Be careful, look around, don't be a jackass. Not even your mother will leave burning man to get you out of jail. TRUST ME.
Also it’s not a good idea to snort stuff at burning man. Your poor nose is so fragile there, with the constant dust. If you’re going to do powders, the best move would be to dissolve it in water and put it in a clean Nasal Saline Sprayer. Still effective but more gentle on your snoz.
Coke or no coke, bring the best NOSE SPRAY you can find. You will be blowing dinosaur fossils out of your nose with or without drugs. Take care of your party holes. They are your friend, and when you ignore them, they ruin your party.
ALSO. DO NOT think that burning man is ONLY for people who like drugs. If you’re sober or recovering, there are many many meetings in Playa you can attend and sober spaces. If you just get high on light naturally GOOD FOR YOU. I mean that. Lucky. You don’t need to worry you’re going to have the BEST TIME.
MOOP
I AM VERY SCARED ABOUT THIS THIS YEAR. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE RESPECT THE MOOP RULES OR THIS IS GOING TO SUCK FOR EVERYONE.. Leave no trace is a real thing…I mean at least on Playa once people leave it's like the worst environmental disaster of all time and totally hypocritical. Really try not to just be some first world dick head who puts all their “leave no trace” stuff at the local dump. Be thoughtful, clean up after yourself for fucks sake, you’re probably 33.
GLITTER
It turns out glitter is really bad not just for fish and the world but for your lungs. OH YEAH, and also it’s MOOPY AS FUCK. I know we’re all glitter addicts at heart, but FUCK THE GLITTER
FOOD
Do not bring all this crazy food with you. You'll be fine. People always always always over buy and over pack. Don't do that. It's wasteful and stupid. Get some back up protein bars and some trail mix and shut the fuck up about food. I'm sure you could lose some weight anyway. Most people in this world get one meal a day. I don't want to hear people bitching about food stuff. Deal. If you want meals, buy prepared meals you can microwave. Eggs. Bacon. Cereal. YOU WILL NOT BE COOKING. I bring an IV full of charisma and I just feed off that for a week. Listen to Kate Moss. She’s smart.
BOOZE
Beer is not water. Also, some camps want you to have an actual ID with you to get booze. Some will accept a paper copy taped to your cup. I never bring anything cuz duh I lose everything there so I mostly stick to water. Side note, I recently discovered that Patron makes an espresso tequila THAT IS AMAZING. Just bring a couple bottles of that, you’ll be fine.
Here is a good schedule:
Try to get on a sleep cycle if you can. You don’t need to sleep more than 4 hours. But you will be so happy if you do.
First day and half/2 days: you have no chance of sleeping. Not a chance. You’ll be so buzzed on all levels and all your synapses will be firing at once.
The right time to sleep are the following
1:30- 5 pm. Hottest time of day
3 am - 5 am. Coldest darkest most druggy music part of day
BE AWAKE DURING SUNRISE AND SUNSET.
They are amazing. They are magic. Do not miss this.
The whole place comes alive when the sun pokes its head out of the mountains and when she finally goes back to bed.
DO NOT FUCK UP AND RAVE TO THE GRAVE.
You will regret it and miss the ABSOLUTE MAGIC OF THE MORNING.
ODDS AND ENDS
I always bring a notebook to write down addresses and events and a pen that's attached.
I always make business cards to give out, make them funny. Burning man is the best place in the world to manifest the people you need to build your dreams. If you have a project or business you're launching spend some time imagining that you run into the perfect person who will help you do the thing you need. If you want to find a psychedelic love partner, THIS IS LITERALLY 3d Apocalypse now tinder. There is no better place to fall in love. Clean out your emotional baggage. (Stop talking to that ex that sucks your dick perfectly but BOY DOES SHE GET mad, and jealous easily) Get rid of old relationship stuff in your house. Open your whole body up to the chance you could meet people, friends or cosmic love you're looking for. IT WILL HAPPEN.
You need a cup, and make it fun. Decorate it, bedazzle it whatever it needs to have a way to clip onto a carabiner so you can attach it to stuff. All bars need you to have a cup.
Leave all your expensive stuff at home. I mean this.Watches jewelry, laptops if you can, it's just easier.
People in RV’s bring your own pillows and sheets and a towel (a camping one that absorbs water well) theirs suck.
FRIENDS
Forget about them. Don’t make plans. They don’t work. Try to get peoples camp coordinates ahead of time and print/write in on a burning man map you can keep in your pocket. Joee is making one for you as you speak. AREN’T YOU LUCKY?
You can cycle around where maybe your friends may be living, but don’t focus on it. You have the whole year to see them, go MEET NEW PEOPLE. Plus, your best friend will ditch you in two seconds at the burn. It is what it is. You don’t need them, you’ll find them when you really need them.
It is a fool's errand to try to seek out friends. THE BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU CAN MAKE is following some other idiot on their mission to find a friend. This “friend” is probably lost in a Life sized TREX curled up thick as thieves with some new love interest wondering how it’s possible to fall in love so quickly, only to lose them while in a dust storm while biking 1 hour later and then they’ll spend the next three days searching from after party after party trying to glimpse their love mirage again. It’s very sad. It’ll happen to you, it’s happened to me, it’s fine.
GETTING AROUND
Listen. You’re going to be lost. SO SO SO SO LOST. Aren’t you lucky? You paid all this money to come all this way to this controlled shit show so enjoy being lost. Go with the flow. If someone asks you if you want to do something, do it. Get the guide and USE IT. There are amazing classes and lectures and activities every day. This is real life pervert summer camp. GET INVOLVED. Jump on trampolines, swing on swings, paint cow skulls, learn about bondage, get weird, stay curious, don’t take your bad moods out on others.
RADICAL SELF RELIANCE.
THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. Do some venturing on your own. It can feel scary to be on your own, but it’s really important. This is a place for you to grow, learn and discover things about who you REALLY are. You will get out of burning man what you put into it. How much you share, collaborate, participate, will be rewarded. There is a karma to the burn, it can be VERY harsh or incredibly rewarding, choose your own adventure.
I leave you with my four principles that I tell every virgin:
Safety third
Fire is hot
Drugs Work
Say YES
There will be no actual burning of a man this year, but the THE MAN IS ALWAYS BURNING IN YOUR HEART. BE SAFE OUT THERE EVERYONE. I AM SO NERVOUS. Be kind, rewind, don’t fuck this up, don’t die, drink water, don’t wander off, just be SUPER CAREFUL, don’t over do it with drugs, please please please stay safe out there guys.
