MELBOURNE: The First Time My Mouth Got Me ACTUALLY In Trouble (Don't Call Feminist's Cunts)


So I found myself in Melbourne Australia in the middle of a music festival at a Koala reserve because even though I recently turned thirty, I am still an overgrown child clinging on to my eucalyptus tree of youth. To make matters worse I was wandering around in a neon animal print onesie talking to Ozzy's totally munted youth (new world! means chewing face!)I saw a giant inflatable igloo with a man named Lucky Toby gaurding the door in a matching floral suit. No one was allowed to go in. It was this amazing VIIIIP igloo and all these stoned festival goers kept wanting to know what it was and the answer was invariably, you can't come. The people inside are too famous. They granted me an exclusive interview, which I was very greatful for at 7 which was three hours from when I recorded the first part of this.

He was guarding Melboune's most famous unheard of supergroup, Expen$$$ive who was doing an exclusive VIP meet and greet in said bubble for their "fans." When you walked into the bubble there were three girls dressed in almost nothing sort of like Britney Spears in the Lucky Video, all frills and fluff and pink with barbie perfume and blank CD's, troll dolls and high heels and pink feathers. Usually I would get along famously with people like this, but from the moment I stepped in, I felt the Hindenberg start to catch fire.

To be clear, the didn't like me. One bit. Not one bit. And I for the first time EVER ended up apologizing to an interviewee because I was trapped in this bubble with three very hormonal women who all looked like they could beat the shit out of me, who also possibly could have had some gender identity issues. They looked like the girls who did backstage at theatre camp, and were ready to put my head into a wood chipper. I also have gotten into a fair amount of trouble with lesbians in my life, they usually have a shit sense of humor. So even though I am NEVER sorry for being offensive OR talking about other peoples cervii I bowed down to their power and got the fuck out of igloo (dodge)I still don't know whether this was all a practical joke. Which is what makes it so genius. Keep turning it up to 11 ladies.