..:: FOUR EYES ::..

If you’re a contact/glasses person you need to over prepare for the following situation. 1. You lose your glasses. 2. You drop your glasses and some dude wearing a crop top and crocs and no pants immediately does a flamenco stomp on them. 3. You lose your toiletries with all your contacts. 4. You lose your saline solution for your contacts. Pro HEEB tips, get ski goggles and get your prescription put into them. Get ANOTHER pair of glasses, just as back up as well. Take this seriously, I’ve been with people who’ve lost their glasses, and boy have they accidentally fucked some charismatic people with a questionable amount of teeth.

..:: SCARVES & DUST MASKS ::..

The air quality is literally as good as sitting inside of a hot boxed meth kitchen where everyone is chain smoking. YOU BETTA BRING A GOOD FUCKING MASK. I know we are all sick of masks, but honestly, the playa sucks to begin with for your lungs, couple that with very real covid still alive and well, you my friend will regret not bringing the good shit. You like your lungs? YOU LIKE BREATHING?  Get a good N95, or painters mask and then you'll wrap half your face in a scarf to bike because shit gets CRAY. You do not need those dystopian double super loser masks. Get something easy small that blocks the dust. Portable and light, is the name of the game.

..:: BIKE - IS YO LYF ::..

You must order these ahead of time, RENO’s bike selection is a deserted wasteland by the time your ass gets there. Order them ASSEMBLED. I like beach cruisers, some people like to have breaks and gears, whatever you fancy, YOUR BIKE IS YOUR LIFE. Put a Tile on that shit. Some well meaning hippie that gets confused about what time is, will steal it by accident. Some drunk idiot who can’t find his bike, will steal yours. LOCK IT UP. EVERY FUCKING TIME. Locks keep honest burners, FROM STEALING YOUR BIKE.

Chose carefully. Do not be cheap about this. Get the good shit. You probably want to get another seat (squish squish) for your bike. You're riding all day every day.

Baskets are very very good to have on your bike. Trailers are even better. Cup Holders are a pro move (get the bigger one) A bell or clown horn is a classic addition. All these fancy west coast people spend the whole year making their bikes. Good for them. The rest of us who fly in, just try to do the best you can. You will be consistently jealous of other peoples ingenuity and preparation regardless, Big fake flowers, tassels, lanterns, stuffed animals, flags, just go to Michaels and pretend it’s Project Runway and figure it out, I believe in you! Check out this Pinterest board for a couple ideas.

I cannot stress this enough. LIGHT THE BIKE. DO IT NOW!!!  Attaching a super loud speaker to your bike is fun for day time cruising.

BRING A BIKE LOCK FROM HOME people always forget to and Walmart is always sold out and then you will be fucked in your duck dummy vaj, cuz THIEVES.

Electric bikes are SICK AF. But you have to be super mindful of charging them, because when they run out of batteries they are a HEAVY disaster to deal with. You just have to be  mindful enough/ have enough fuel for your generator to manage this. If you’re new, and in good shape, regular biking is the way to go. Easy breezy and you will leave the Burn looking like Tyler Durden. HOT.

*2024

GET AN E- BIKE SAVE ENERGY FOR DANCING. God e-bikes are so amazing if you’re smart enough to feed and water it. You could even get one from amazon and return that shit for pro heeb move.

..:: WALKIES ::..

Walkie Talkies are amazing, if you’re smart enough to all get on the right channel. You’re probably not. Fuck the walkies.

BUY TILES + AIR TAGS + TAPE YOUR NAME CAMP ADDRESS TO EVERYTHING YOU OWN

Cover anything you love in tiles. Tape one to your phone, tape one to your body. Tape one to your mind. Put them on your keys. EVERYTHING GETS LOST THERE. People are up in arms about whether this will work or not, but IT WILL, eventually, Another solution however, thank you angry internet people, is to label everything you own with your name/camp location/number. Different strokes, different folks. Also smart to leave your phone screen locked message with that same note. People are GLORIOUS about returning your stuff and will go out of their way to help you.

..:: TICKETS ::..

YOU WILL GET TICKETS. ITS FINE, BREATHE.

However - as always - be ever vigilant about WHERE YOU GET YOUR TICKETS.  ONLY BUY TICKETS THROUGH FRIENDS AND BURNING MAN ORG. Do not support 2nd party systems. DO NOT BUY THEM ON CRAIGSLIST OR STUB HUB BURNERS DO NOT SELL STUFF THERE  Because drumroll please….

THERE ARE FAKE TICKETS AND SCAMMERS!!! Please please please for the love of god check the burning man website voided section of tickets if you are buying from a non burning man affiliated source. Scammers are a recent and very vicious new thing to deal with.

Make SURE the number at the bottom of your ticket is not listed on the voided ticket section because they WILL NOT LET YOU IN. I got a voided ticket once because my idiot friend didn’t tell me they bought them from some ticket website and I NEVER BEEN MORE UPSET IN MY LYF. I was all fluffed up ready to fucking rock and roll and NAH homie, I got sent to D (dunce) lot to look for a miracle. Also my OTHER friend in my RV had to wait too. BLAH. THE WORST.

I called my mother from entry gates who was camping with DPW, panicking, to help me, and she was like yeah sure (it was early there was cell service) I’ll call you right back. Do you know WHEN I HEARD FROM MY MOTHER…..

NEVER. After I had to literally shoot a arrow through a needle head and fight 20 large men to win Penelope. Don’t get that reference. READ MO BOOKS.

When I finally got in, days later,  I confronted her livid about abandoning me, and the heartless harpy was like, I dunno, I tried, and then there was this cool lecture and I did an art tour and I remembered that you’ve always been, “self reliant, so I figured you’d figure it out.” Angry face emoticon to the power of google.

I also left my tickets on my kitchen table once and didn’t realize until I was in air and had an actual cold body sweat melt down, sobbing silently from 32,000 feet for I had everyone’s tickets that I was meeting at Reno Airport. Don’t panic. You’re pretty fucked, but you’re not Mortal Combat Finish him fucked quite yet. If you get hysterical, you will fail. Breathe. 

DO NOT FUCK UP AND LOSE / LEAVE YOUR TICKETS.

God forbid you turn into one of those manifest barefoot rain dancing hippies on the side of the road with a cardboard sign. Oof. Tough. Manifest some shoes while you’re at it.

*Sidenote new people - try to avoid having your tickets at will call if you’re coming in to the burn during peak times (Sunday/Weds morning) because will call can take, about the same amount of time it takes for someone on meth to find the hidden cameras the government put in the walls. No one knows why lines at burning man must be like this but because we have all become so used to this abuse please just save your physical tickets having friends this nightmare and figure out how to just have your ticket in hand so you can all just rock n fucking roll once you get through entry,

..:: BATHROOMS ::..

FIRST THINGS FIRST DO NOT PEE ON PLAYA.  SAVE THE SHRIMP.

The porto-potties there are an immersive experience. They have a cleaning schedule and I try to follow the horrendous smell of the cleaning trucks like a Hansel and Gretel candy trail to find the newly serviced ones. If you’re smart, you’ll find your rich friends who have their own private bathrooms and learn their lock code, these people usually make the code very difficult, like 0001, or 0077, ah rich people. Bless you.

Also, don’t be an asshole and shit where you eat. You need plans to pee/poo at all times. Even if you have an RV there, trust me, you don’t want a tin can sitting in the sun full of you and your loved ones excrement.  GET CREATIVE.  Get a bunch of cat litter and a bucket and a small shower tent and a chair and take out the cushion so you have something to sit on. Here’s a funny video on how to make your own toilet! But having your own little bathroom is fucking awesome if you’re the kind of person who can manage their own shit - you’re probably not - BUT try! The inter-webs are full of solutions. 

Women, she pees and funnels are your friend. Getting some emergency pee bags for when your on a deep playa bike ride can be found here. Boys usually pee in bottles and Nalgenes cuz their gross and then forget, and accidentally drink it and that’s fine. Cuz boys are gross.

..:: SHOWERS ::..

Showers are almost pointless. But cleaning yourself is important. Be smart, go to Hart Tribes sauna (their usually 2/h or something?) and have a naked sweat with your new playa besties, and then go to Dr. Bonners human car wash which is RIGHT next door.  What is that? Just go. You’ll never have more fun IN YOUR LIFE. If you are some first world princess n the pea type fine, get a sun shower and fill it up with water and leave it in the blistering sun and take an evening shower so you can pretend like your clean for exactly 13 seconds.

GREY WATER

You cannot dump this water on playa. If you erect a shower you must also have a bins underneath it to catch any water with soap/chemicals in it. Don’t fuck around with this. You must take this out with you. A good way to deal with it is to put a creat over a plastic bin and when that fills up funnel that into your empty large water jugs, close them up and leave them under the RV for clean up.

..:: TENTS vs. RV vs. YURT ::..

Ok. Look. I’ve stayed in every combination of thing you can imagine. Somehow I started my first burn in a 42 ft class A Gerogetowner that we rented off craigslist for like 1500 dollars and that shit WAS AMAZING. NOT ANYMORE. Inflation is real and now renting an RV costs about the same amount, as to go to an Ivy League School for a year, so I for one say FUCK THE RV’s.

AND LET ME EXPLAIN WHY:

• The cost. It’s anti Semitic. Who the fuck could / would pay 13k for a week in a fucking RV. Lame.

• Hard to drive. Usually my drive in crew is like half useless hot NYC gay guys (except my one queer as fuck friend who grew up in a pig farm) a couple bitter ol Betty sexy dark Daria type women, and someone super useful like my mother who can barely see and does things like put on liquid eyeliner on during.a red light. RVS are just a huge pain in the ass and almost none of my city folk can drive them safely.

• They smell bad. Even though we ALWAYS have a no poo rule, one of my dickhead friends (usually the coke heads) will not listen and the RV starts smelling like the bottom of a wook foot by day 2.

• No privacy -  seriously the amount of times I’ve heard or been seen having sex in an RV is seriously embarrassing.

• THEY BREAK. ALL THE TIME. The generator breaks, the Air Con breaks, the fridge breaks and then you just have a big useless huge tin can gas chamber of death.

• Environmentally wasteful.

• GAS PRICES OMFG NOOOOO it’s gonna cost you RV dicks like a Scrooge MCDUCK vault of gold to fill up those tanks. Lame.
  SO HERES WHAT I WOULD DO
  I would buy a good tent or a shift pod, get a swamp cooler and a fan and a small generator and ac. I like a shift pod for sleep and a small tent for all my clothes. MEGA privacy, WAY WAY WAY cheaper, and friendlier for the earth WIN WIN WIN

• IF you can build a yurt THIS IS THE MOVE. YURTS ROCK. Get an air con with this and you are like KING OF SIAM. But they’re a pain in the ass also so...i dunno shift pod always 

NO MATTER WHAT. IF YOU HAVE A TENT OR A SHIFT POD YOU MUST MUST MUST PUT IT UNDER A SHADE STRUCTURE AND STAKE IT DOWN SO HARD IT CAN RESIST *80 MPH WIND. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. SHADE IS LIFE.

Seriously, I’ve had tents BLOW CLEAN AWAY. Use rebar and a mallet and a really strong person and MAKE SURE ITS SECURE.

..:: SHOPPING LIST for the BASIC SHIT ::..

• Sunblock. Get the reef safe shit and get the stuff without the cancer toxins. Spray is the only way. 

• Blister stuff

• SLEEPING PILLS. Get all the Ambien you can possibly find or Melatonin (whatever, for me I need industrial acme anvil knock out pills) Sleeping at burning man is literally impossible even when you're sober. It's loud, it's weird, you're surrounded by people looking for their nipple pasty it's a nightmare. 

• Eye mask

• Get amazing ear plugs, - it's loud loud loud loud loud 

• Nedi Pot / Saline Solution

• Throat things - you will lose your voice. 

• Head Ache Stuff

• Coconut oil IS THE BEST. For sex, for your skin, for your hair, lube it up keep it MOIST BABY.

• Chapstick with sun protection SUPER IMPORTANT. I duct tape mine to a lanyard with a retractable coil on it and have it on me at all times.

• Every night you need at some point to take your feet out wipe them down completely and cover them in lotion. There is a dreaded thing called “Playa foot” I am not joking and it’s even less pleasant than it sounds. The dust can do terrible things to your skin if you don’t just wipe down and take care. 

• There are many full service hospitals at burning man and planes that can take people out at an instant so don’t worry you should be fine. But look both ways, there may be a large converse shoe full of clowns going 20 MPH about to squish you at any time. I ran over someone once at night in my golf cart cuz they weren’t lit up, they were fine, and in the court of burning man law, THAT IS THEIR FAULT. LIGHT UP.

• Baby wipes. Do not buy the industrial size. Get normal size, you don’t need that many. Your dirty ass will use like 30 max while you’re there. You CANNOT put these in the portaloos you need to pack these out with you, bring a ziplock for these.

• Again, donate all left over useful medicines, products, electronics, whatever to tear down camp on your way out. DON’T FORGET.

..:: INTERNET + CELL PHONES ::..

In some weird places 3g works, mostly for Verizon phones. But FUCK THE PHONES. Put an away message and just be there.  Do not go to burning man with some crazy important meeting or investor pitch half way through the week. You will go crazy. Let everyone know that you are away, do not try to do anything and I mean ANYTHING important / call anyone / tell a loved one you’ll check in, EVER. You won’t. You will fail. 

I would bring a camera and leave your phone at the RV. You  will lose your phone, and probably you'll get it back, but really try to disconnect. There used to be Zero signal, and it was amazing phones work off and on but not really, but it's enough that people become obsessed with finding friends or whatever just put that shit away.

FUCK THE PHONES THEY RUIN BURNING MAN,

and everything.

..:: CASH ::..

Bring at least 350 in 20’s. Just in case. You need it to pay for RV waste dumping, water refills, ice, tacos and pizza on your way out and no one in Gerlach takes credit cards.

..:: SEX ::..

Its very difficult to fuck at the burn. So don't even worry about it. But dudes if you're trying to go to bone town staying sober is a good idea.  Your poor little peckers are already squished on bikes, tucked into tights and dryer than Ghandi’s flip flop. Sex can be overrated and gross there unless you’re with a partner whose party butt you don’t mind eating after a three day bender. If that’s you, great you’re going to have some of the most intense and beautiful sex of your life. But for singles, or recent sex partners, just focus on yourself, and try not to let your little lizard brain monster control your every behavior.

Ladies. Apple cider vinegar is your Vaginas friend. Bring it. Read this. Wipe her down, clean her up, cuz a yeast infection at burning man should be avoided At ALL COSTS.

If you're bleeding - you're fucked. It sucks. Good luck. I could give you options here but any way you spin the dreidel it’s gonna land on the one where your brother gets all your chocolate gold. You can try a soft cup, diva cup, tampons whatever, I RUINED one of my fav outfits and danced til dawn looking like Carrie after she won Prom Queen so out of it I assumed my skirt had always been red. It’s fine, no one will remember, but you.

..:: DRUGS ::..

Take it SLOW. Less is more here. Get your bearings. Learn the maps. Get the system. Find your nearest hospital. Understand your section, make visual cues like the Dragon with a dildo horn is facing the man which means my camp is two blocks to the left. You'll get it when you're there. Bring enough drugs to combat the possibility that your friends will steal them all. 

..:: DRUG SCHEDULE (take with a grain of….salt…) OR BE SOBER ::..

There is a drug symphony that you should try to be the conductor of IF you want to do drugs here. You should not take Molly every day idiot. Why? Cuz your mopey little ass will be sobbing like a single girl watching the Note Book on Valentines Day by day three and YOU will be a menace to your fellow burners.

Due to aging and wisdom, the last couple years I’ve tried sober the fuck up so I can be of a crystal clear mind when I’m doing the things I love there, like making podcasts, telling campfire stories, playing games, spinning wheels, forcing confessions out of people for fireball shots and it turns out when I do drugs, I cannot sleep there AND it turns out, I NEED SLEEP TO BE GOOD AT DOING THE STUFF I LOVE. Weird right?

It’s also a bonus that when you sleep and don’t do mountains of drugs you don’t leave the BURN looking like Jordan Catalano’s mother from Requiem for a Dream by the end. But look, this IS the place to do drugs, if you can handle it.

It’s fucking magic, hilarious, nonsensical mind melting beautiful next level Dali psychedelic wonderland. BUT YOU MUST BALANCE BABY. Here’s a very rough schedule for you to just take in consideration and then of course do the opposite and GET MUNTED.

DAY 1 -

Chill out sloshy Sally. Try to figure out where the fuck your tuchus hole is, in relation to the man before you chow down on a Colombian tapas board. Go to fucking bed day one, IF YOU CAN. (see sleep schedule). DO NOT open up whatever giant box of Pandoras failings you had hidden in your rectum during entry immediately get all Cookie Monster before you’ve set up your tent.  I promise you if you begin burning man on the cocaine train you WILL regret it. Don’t do it. Please, listen to me. It’s a ROOKIE AMATEUR HOUR MOVE. You will destroy your nose, lose your voice, end up in shitty dub step parties freezing your ass off, forget to eat, and be cracked the fuck out by day 3. Lame.

DAY 2/3/4 -

Acid/mushrooms/ketamine/adderall/booze: I would only use Lucy in the SKY and ALL THE DIAMONDS early in the week because it’s less chaotic, easier to bike, playa is packed harder and there’s just less fucking sparkle dickheads conjesting every corner. Ketamine is awesome there. DMT vape pens are a PRO move and will blow your literal mind apart. But don’t overdo the DMT. I had a friend legit lose ALL his marbles there and have to be taken to Reno Hospital and picked up by his parents, he was like 35. Just chill Winston, and don’t be a crackhead.

DAY 5/6 -

by now, you’re going to need some help. Microdosing LSD is always a great idea to keep energy up. Later in the week/weekend is when pills/mdma/cocaine are acceptable.

DAY 7 -

temple burn - chill out, settle in, spend half the day in the temple, half the day journaling mediating and lay off EVERYTHING.

DAY 8 -

Go to rehab. ahahahaha. SERIOUSLY.

You want to be on drugs that make your heart and mind as open as humanly possible. You also don't want to be taking drugs you have to take constantly because there are VERY REAL POLICE THERE trying to catch you. Pot smokers and power snorters get picked up all the time. DO NOT DO DRUGS OUT IN THE OPEN. You used to be able to do that, not anymore. Be careful, look around, don't be a jackass. Not even your mother will leave burning man to get you out of jail. TRUST me. Do NOT buy DRUGS on PLAYA period.

Also it’s not a good idea to snort stuff at burning man. Your poor nose is so fragile there, with the constant dust. If you’re going to do powders, the best move would be to dissolve it in water and put it in a clean Nasal Saline Sprayer. Still effective but more gentle on your snoz. 

Bring the best nose spray you can find. You will be blowing dinosaur fossils out of your nose with or without drugs. Take care of your party holes. They are your friend, and when you ignore them, they ruin your party.

I feel weird writing this much about drugs, because I do not want people to think that burning man is ONLY for people who like drugs. It’s not. I just feel obligated to drone on about this stuff because people seem to have some trouble there finding their sweet spot. If you’re sober/recovering there are many many meetings in Playa you can attend and sober spaces. If you just get high on light naturally GOOD FOR YOU. I mean that. Lucky. You don’t need to worry you’re going to have the BEST TIME. I only am saying this for the 10 percent of people that need to hear this.

..:: GLITTER ::..

It turns out glitter is really bad not just for fish and the world but for your lungs.  OH YEAH, and also it’s MOOPY AS FUCK. I know we’re all glitter addicts at heart, but FUCK THE GLITTER. I know, it’s hard. I’m sorry. This goes for sequins, this goes for rhinestones, this goes for ANYTHING that isn’t well made, super secured and large enough to be seen, found and removed from playa if it falls from your disco stick.

..:: FOOD ::..

Do not bring all this crazy food with you. You'll be fine. People always always always over buy and over pack. Don't do that. It's wasteful and stupid. Get some back up protein bars and some trail mix - buy prepared meals, or really easy things to cook - eggs, bacon…cereal. I bring an IV full of charisma and I just feed off that for a week. You need to eat, cocaine is NOT food, and you’re burning 10x your normal amount of calories due to biking and dancing, but don’t be my Jewy Lewis and the News pain in my ass family constantly obsessing about how they’re going to cook brisket and salmon on playa. Relax.

If you don’t have an RV or central camp kitchen you’ll want to bring a large cooler with you for your tent. I bring one ANYWAY just to have personal cold stuff like pickles and seltzer. 

There are so many awesome food camps - here is a guide to how you can literally go nutz on gourmet nosh -CHOMP GUIDE. Pro tip, there is killer pho at this camp I can never remember usually on esplanade I think it’s called phoking? Something like that. Also late night grilled cheese and miso soup is the way to go.

But usually I just listen to Kate Moss. She’s smart.

..:: BOOZE ::..

Beer is not water. DRINK LESS BOOZE / DRINK MORE WATER. One drink, one full cup of water, every time. Also, most camps want you to have an actual ID with you to get booze, due to…you know, like laws and stuff. Some will accept a paper copy taped to your cup. I never bring anything cuz duh I lose everything there and I mostly try stick to water, cuz water goes really good mushrooms. Side note, I recently discovered that Patron makes an espresso tequila THAT IS AMAZING. Just bring a couple bottles of that, you’ll be fine. Jameson, mescal, bottles that require no mixers for me is the way to go.

..:: ART ::..

Most of the art will be burnt to the ground by Friday so really try to do long deep playa art days way before that. Art is the reason you’re there. So go see it, you’ll never see it all, but try. You will fail. But try. Some of my absolute fav fav fav’s are Studio DRIFT,  Christopher Shardt, andHYBYCOZO, anything they do IS PURE MAGIC TIMES BLISS PLUS GENIUS PLUS cream cream dollar dollar bills y'all.

..:: MUSIC CAMPS ::..

If you’re smart. You will not fall into the after party, swirling whirlpool of death that is late night deep playa art cars. These camps are great, can have killer music / visuals and are technically “fun” , but mostly it’s just a circle jerk kids of kids who went to boarding school in places like Switzerland, and they show up and all eat the same ookie cookie, and have things like WRISTBANDS or necklaces to get on their art cars, (fuck that in general) and in my humble opinion, the REAL magic of burning man is going off on adventures, exploring the art, getting involved with the daytime workshops and local comedy that is EVERYWHERE.

You want to hear GOOD MUSIC? Go to Jazz cafe at 6:00 and basically center camp. Go to the blue grass camps, wander around until you hear some dope DJ crushing it all alone in this sick Bedouin tent and dance your little heart out and support their set. Go to gayborhood on the 7:00 side in general, Pink Mammoth has the best day time parties there. Bubbles and bass for mimosas. There is amazing music EVERYWHERE with things like WORDS - and melody and oh my god, can you imagine GUITARS. Listen I get it, you love love love loud loud loud techno out of big big speakers…I only have one question…who hurt you? Show me on the doll….JUST KIDDING, listen not trying to be a dick but BLAH come on,  just try to switch it up a bit. Try daytime disco/ Funk /Soul, Blues…and dare I say it ROCK AND FUCKING ROLL maybe?? LED ZEPPELIN IS SO GOOD THERE OMFG. Prince? Prince is so good there that your hymen regrows…. Pink Floyd….? THEY  WILL MELT YOUR SOUL. Try it, it’s good for you.

Try to be up during the day. Get rest at night. 

Try to get on a sleep cycle if you can. You don’t need to sleep more than 4 hours. But you will be so happy if you do. 

First day and half/2 days: you have no chance of sleeping. Not a chance. You’ll be so buzzed on all levels and all your synapses will be firing at once. 

The right time to sleep are the following:

12- 5 pm. Hottest time of day

2am - 5 am. Coldest darkest most druggy music part of day

BE AWAKE DURING SUNRISE AND SUNSET.

They are amazing. They are magic. Do not miss this.

The whole place comes alive when the sun pokes its head out of the mountains and when she finally goes back to bed. 

DO NOT FUCK UP AND RAVE TO THE GRAVE.

You will regret it and miss the ABSOLUTE MAGIC OF THE MORNING. 

GET the FUCK OUT OF DEEP PLAYA by 9:00 am - it will get so hot, so quick and you will be WAY further away then you think if you followed a thump thump into oblivion.

Also quick note about scheduling. GO FOR THE WHOLE TIME. Start to fucking finish if you’re new. Weekend warriors are stupid. Stay for temple burn, it’s beautiful, everyone skips it, but it’s really one of the most beautiful things you can see at the burn.

..:: CAMPS ::..

Camps are my personal favorite part of the Burn. If you’re lost, ask for help, if you’re hungry, dehydrated, tripping so hard you think your fingers are oranges and start to peel them, GO to any camp and they WILL HELP YOU. New people always think that BM is about bartering, it’s not, it’s literally just about gifting and sharing.

Most camps will always have something fun to share, a game to play, a lecture, a spa, a sex toy, a joke, a drink, a stew, a DJ, a circus show, a happy ending, it’s just the best. SPIN THE WHEEL SPIN THE WHEEL. If there’s a confessional, do it. If there’s a wheel, SPIN THAT SHIT. Do whatever it says and shut the fuck up. Listen. You’re going to be lost. SO SO SO SO LOST. Aren’t you lucky? You paid all this money to come all this way to this controlled shit show so enjoy being lost. Go with the flow. If someone asks you if you want to do something, do it.  This is real life pervert summer camp. GET INVOLVED. Jump on trampolines, swing on swings, paint cow skulls, learn about bondage, get weird, stay curious, wash strangers butts, don’t take your bad moods out on others.

..:: CAMP DUTIES ::..

Listen. This is for glistening pink wet hot bleached 17 years and 364 day year olds AND blown out full small intestine roadkill holes - DO NOT MISS YOUR FUCKING CAMP SHIFTS. Running a burning man camp is MISERABLE. You cannot imagine how annoying it is. It is a gift and act of love and only for the very organized and VERY SADO-MASOCHISTIC. So if you are scheduled to do something, SHOW THE FUCK UP. All hands on deck here. There’s many jokes I could try to make here to get you to understand how fucking annoying it is. But honestly, please, if you say you’re going to do something, DO IT.  So, check ahead of time what your duties are, and be there, rested, smiling, sober and why the hell not, DO MORE. The reason burning man is amazing is due to humans showing the fuck up for one another, be a solution NOT A PROBLEM.

..:: PLUG N PLAY CAMPS - YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE ::..

Oh boy. Lemme tell you something, there is literally nothing I dislike more than pillsbury dough people who fly into playa, adding nothing, taking everything and staying at these asshole magnet camps.

What is it? It’s very simple. It’s a camp, that is created, for profit, by Grinches who believe that it is cool to provide a cushy, easy, San Trope bottle service experience to lazy, spoiled lima beans sparkly pony humans who can pay upwards of 30 k PER PERSON to have a bullshit burn experience.

There is literally hired help, who are paid next to nothing, to cook, clean and power these colostomy bag smelling humans and to add insult to this injury the people who work there are not invited to participate in the dinners/art cars fun etc. LAME TIMES INFINITI.

The good news is, there’s not that many of them. Don’t be scared, almost 97 percent of burning man is made up of the literal best people on the whole planet. This is just something I needed to get off my chest. So excuse my un-burning man vibes here.

I have NO problem with people spending their money as they want to on beautiful rockstar camps that provide insane experiences for ALL of burning man and SICK AF art / cars that EVERYONE can play in IF EVERYONE in the camp is contributing and working towards the communal good of all of burning man LIKE THE FUCKING REST OF US.

I will not name these camps. I want to. I know you. I HAVE A LIST OF YOU. You can tell these bell ends  easily because they will have a giant square of generators / service trucks circled around each other and it will not have a easy entry point to try to keep other people out. LAME.

There will also be like a billion electric everything, professionally decorated, bikes, golf carts, Segways huddled and locked together being powered by the stadium sized generators they truck in.  These people hate comedy, and usually don’t look you in the eye for fear that you’ll see right through their perfectly filtered existence and see they terrified itty bitty insecure OZ operating inside of them.

I want them to know that:

YOU ARE NOT COOL FOR BEING HOARDING RESOURCES, YOU ARE BORING.

However, if you’re one of these people, talk to me. I can help you take off your shackles and walk towards the light. Open up your camps, share, and contribute and stop leaving your bikes on playa.

CAMPS SHOULD BE BUILT BY THE PEOPLE FOR THE PEOPLE. Period. 

Ah well. Until then my friend Joee Irwin has created  a bunch of flyers which I hope don’t get laminated tonight and then gorilla glued to their entrances. Fingers crossed….FUCK THAT I WILL BE GLUING SIGNS TO EVERY SINGLE PLUG N PLAY I CAN FIND. FUCK THEIR BURN.

..:: MOOP - MATTER OUT OF PLACE ::..

Get to know this word. This is a big deal at burning man. Do not leave garbage or cigarette butts anywhere. People will tar and feather you. If you're a smoker design a little box to keep your ashes and butts. Do not wear small feathers that will fall out. Leave no trace is a real thing…I mean at least on Playa once people leave it's like the worst environmental disaster of all time and totally hypocritical. If you want a burning man gold star you will donate your extra gear and food at the gate to the tear down volunteers. Really try not to just be some first world dick head who puts all their “leave no trace” stuff at the local dump. Be thoughtful, clean up after yourself for fucks sake, you’re probably 33.

IF YOU SEE PEOPLE MOOPING ALL OVER THE PLACE, lightly correct them by using any of the tested and true spanish inquisition style devices that made so many of my jewish ancestors bow down to Christ. You see MOOP, you grab it and depose of it. You see MOOOPERS, take a 12 inch dildo and give them a tonsillectomy. FIgure it out, you’ve watched enough porn to find creative ways to help our less moop minded friends change their behavior.

If you’re new, and camping without a community to tell you this, read the above article. There is a hilarious way that Burners pretend they’re good people by leaving “NO TRACE” before they head back to their endlessly wasteful lives. Anywhere you camped, you need to pick over with a fine tooth comb for ANY MATTER OUT OF PLACE. This could a gemstone smaller than a premature babies pinky toe. This could be a tiny piece of plastic, a itty bitty feather, cans, tent poles, used condoms, WHATEVER. Pack it in, pack it all mother fucking out. You are responsible for the first time in your whole life for every single thing you touched, ate, used, brought with you AND whatever other people may have left in your campsite. It is a a privilege to use this land, treat it with respect and don’t fuck this up.

..:: GARBAGE ::..

This goes without saying by now, but try, as much as you can, to not bring single use plastic, and use up-cycled and recycled materials. Leave unnecessary packaging at home.

• Choose crushable cans over plastic and glass, and crushable plastic over glass.

• Aluminum cans can be brought to Recycle Camp. RECYCLE CAMP IS SICK AF. They have this weird machine that crushes everything and they give you a coin they make out of the cans. You can volunteer to help them at recycle@burningman.com

• Separate burnables from recyclable and wet materials. Have an oil drum and stay warm at night by burning all your cardboard and paper materials.

• Store cigarette butts in a candy tin.

• Do NOT throw bottles into fires, idiots. They explode.

• Absolutely do not throw any trash of any kind into the porta-potties. This includes “organic” materials and others that “decompose” over time in a large public septic system. Putting anything but human waste and TP into the potties clogs the pumping mechanisms and fucks it up for the lovely humans who service them. “If it wasn’t in your body, don’t put it in the potty!

• Bring a moop bag with you In your day bag so if you see any you can do the right thing and take it with you.

• DO NOT LEAVE YOUR BROKEN BIKE ON PLAYA. If you lose your bike, really really try to find it and not make it someone else’s responsibility. Donate all unwanted bikes to Playa Bike Repair.

..:: CENTER CAMP ::..

One of the first things I ALWAYS DO, is head right over to center camp. Some of my friends have never ever seen it. It’s a magical place with mediocre talent shows, a lot of acro yoga, and the hub of the whole operation. It’s a great way to get oriented, they have a newspaper and you can just learn all kinds of cool shit that’s going on around you.

..:: PLAYA GIFT ::..

A “Playa gift” is something small you give to people you meet that you like. Can be anything.  Don’t be cheap. Bring like +-35. It’s kindergarten bitch, and it’s fun. Do not get cheap stuff at Walmart and add more garbage, make them priceless please, or try to be more organized next year. In the past I have given out personalized dog tags, Willie Nelson American flag bandanas, buttons with snarky sayings, dick and duck shaped chocolates, be creative. Sharing is caring.

..:: WHITE OUT ::..

Oh boy oh boy are these a DOOZY. White outs have given me some of my most terrifying moments at BM and my most magical. There’s nothing like it. You get swallowed up in a cloud of white, you literally can’t see anything but faint blobs in the distance, it’s like being transported into the Matrix before all the guns magically appear. So what do you do. Stay put. Drink water, strap your goggles down, put your mask on, and wrap your scarf around the mask and knot the ends tightly down into whatever else you’re wearing. The only real danger is running out of water, or being run over by something like a giant rubber ducky art car that can’t see you.

Everyone and everything is supposed to hunker down and stop (including all vehicles) during a white out, but just keep vigilant, stay hydrated…it literally can feel like dancing with the devil in the pale moon light.

THIS YEAR IS CRAZY DUSTY. Careful out there kids. Huge dust storms, trucks being flipped over, Dorthy you’re not in Kansas anymore, goggles, mask, 2x the amount of water in case you get stuck.

..:: CLASSES/LECTURES ::..

As soon as the guide book is in my grubby little paws I spend a couple hours going through the bazillion offerings that each camp has. I then write them down on a piece of paper day by day and make a schedule. It’s a super fun thing to go on an adventure looking for a teddy bear BDSM lesson only to get lost and find yourself in a pick your nose in public danceathon. You cannot imagine the creative genius that is available to you in every nook and cranny of the Burn, so give yourself half a chance to see 1 percent of it and read the fucking guide.

..:: FIRE ::..

FIRE IS HOT. Duh! Right? You would think this would be self explanatory but NO, I have gotten murdered in the 1st, 2nd AND 3rd degree (burns) at the BURN how’s that for some fun irony. The latest was when my virgin boyfriend had taken acid and ditched me to go on a solo mission, and I for “fun” wrote FUCK MY BURN in giant letters on all along my left arm….as a JOKE…because I was sad and feeling weird and ended up sobbing alone wandering around playa ending up in the Incendia dome which is by far the coolest thing Playa Skool has EVER dome.

This is a giant geodesic dome that pumps propane in through these nets of fire retardant material UPSIDE-DOWN like ova ya head and it looks like you’ve finally answered the age ol’ question of whether or not you’d make it past the pearly gates or obviously rot in hell forever due to your lifetime repetitive, unrepentant sin but Hell, it turns out that HELL is SUPER fun and all your fiends are there YAY!!! Jokes on you, CHRISTIANS.

Anyway I went to say hi to my friend Holmar, a DJ, and I leaned up against the black pipes that were outlining the DJ booth and OF COURSE laid my FUCK MY BURN forearm over the 40 million degree pipes that had just shut off the fire and indeed my burn was fucked. Unbelievable pain, like getting fucked in the ass with no KY by that Covid big dick meme guy….lame lame lame. Took forever to heal. Had a wonky useless arm, fucking terrible,

There is fire EVERYWHERE. Embers, fireworks, bonfires, giant Trojan horses blazing in the sky like the sign of the antichrist. Just be fucking aware. Don’t be a dumbass. Look around and down if you see that someone has burned a giant dildo “art” sculpture and step over it or just go around it. DUH.

..:: TEMPLE ::..

Temple is the heart and soul of the burn. SHUT THE FUCK UP WHEN YOU ARE ANYWHERE NEAR THE TEMPLE. This is not a place for your giggle filled ass to tutu around. Read the messages, connect with human joy and suffering. Bring photos / poems / keepsakes from home to add. I always bring a ton of shit cuz somehow every year my emotional baggage gets so heavy it costs me an extra 150 dollars to fly with and OH and bring a bunch of Sharpies to share so you can write on the wood walls and the pens there are few and far to come by. I spend at least half a day in the temple. I read the messages, I study the joy on the deceased faces and try to absorb the love and loss that they left in this world.

I sit and hold space quietly for people, and also leave with people and go outside with them if their despondent and use physical touch (with consent) and just a big pair of ears tuned to only them to help them grieve. It’s a hard place, its a beautiful place, and it’s NOT some place you should go if you’re cracked out or on uppers or not introspective drugs. Don’t forget to stay for it’s burn Sunday night, more on that later in guide.

..:: PLAYA NAME ::..

OK. So, this is a tricky one, and many people will have different ideas on how they got their Playa name. Basically at some point, someone or something will name you and that’s just your name. You can’t really ask for it and if you do it doesn’t count. Mine, is Booby Trap which is Party Boob spelled backwards. It’s not the name I wanted, I wanted something like Surrender, but my second burn, a new friend asked if I had a Playa name and I said no, not yet and he had a bag of bracelets with different names on them, for this purpose and I pulled a random one out and it said, Party Boob. So there it is, I’m Party Boob. You’ll get yours eventually, and for newbies, most people will only go by their Playa name during BM. So when you meet people with names like Fireball, Kitten Slut, Anubis and Road Kill, don’t be alarmed. They won’t bite, they’re just burners.

*note* - amazingly when I went to Gathering of the Juggalos, they have a “gathering name” the same shit, which blew me away. The two festivals are remarkably similar with people referring to it as their home, to other Juggalos as their family, same same same. Love them both.

..:: ART CARS ::..

Art cars are for everyone. You can usually, almost always, (unless it’s some Richie Rich kid camp, who still think they’re in highschool and excluding people makes their dicks bigger/harder), hop a ride and roam around playa. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR BIKE. The art car has it’s own agenda, and it will leave you stranded miles away from home and you’ll probably lose your bike. Get on friendly art cars with hooks for bikes and sit down and make new friends.

..:: LOST ITEMS ::..

There is a lost and found inside Center camp and they are the most organized place I have ever seen. If you lose something, give it a day, and venture over to them, one it’s fun, and two they probably have your things. I’ve had 3 phones returned to me. Once a guy lost his jet pack. HIS FUCKING JET PACK. They had it.

..:: F.O.M.O. ::..

[ *FEAR OF MISSING OUT ]

You will miss EVERYTHING. You will feel the most intense FOMO you’ve ever had somehow while at the burn.  You’re gonna hear the most insane stories or what people did while you did something STUPID like sleep. It’s fine. You will feel like somehow you missed it, or you're sad you went to THIS thing and didn’t do THAT thing. Shut up. It’s too good, it’s all ToO FuCkInG GOOOOOOOD. You’re missing nothing. You’re there, you’re here, BE HERE NOW.

..:: LONELINESS ::..

Even when you’re surrounded by all your new friends and “family” sometimes you can feel really alone and sad at burning man and like you don’t know where to go and that you are scared and alone. This is totally normal. It is so overwhelming, the possibility, the fun you COULD be having if only you could get dressed and find your shoe..but YOU can’t, because you’re tired, and your shoe is literally nowhere even though you’ve torn through your tent like a Tazmanien Devil, and your brain has cummed all over itself and is now limp and soft. If I were you, I WOULD HEAD OUT, full force and see what Playa will provide for you. Only way out is through, but I am A PRO, and probably you little cutie, should pop a sleeping pill, drink a gallon of water with electrolytes and go to bed. You’ll feel better in no time. UPS AND DOWNS, managing the ups and downs and the chaos and fun and havoc and disasters is the name of the game.

..:: MUPRHEY’S LAW / FUCK YOUR BURN ::..

Imagine the most insanely impossible thing that could happen, double it, add a cup something weird like someone lost their Epi pin and their lips now look exactly like a puffer fish, add a pinch of the only key to get the Epi pin is no where to be found, and you have now taken a mallet and smashed the window of your RV to unlock it and cut an important vein, and wait there’s MORE, a dust storm has come and now your entire RV is full of dust so you, bloody and losing consciousness now can’t even find the EPI pin for your poor frothing at the mouth friend,and you will have a classic Murphey’s law FUCK YOUR BURN EXPERIENCE. Things go wrong at burning man that literally you cannot believe. At this point, I just sigh and go YEP, right on track. Or, that makes sense, or sure, why not. The good news is the weird thing of the BURN is it will take things away, and give you back the thing you need to fix it, eventually and during the process of fixing the chaos you will meet the love of your life, or have a profound idea, or just fall back in love with yourself and your tenacious spirit. As long as you don’t die or hurt others, FUCK YOUR BURN is a good expression. It means that you are strong enough and brave enough to confront hardship and problem solve the most intricate and bizarre scenarios. GOOD FOR YOU. Larry would be proud.

..:: FRIENDS ::..

Forget about them. Don’t make plans. They don’t work. Try to get peoples camp coordinates ahead of time and print/write in on a burning man map you can keep in your pocket.

You can cycle around where maybe your friends may be living, but don’t focus on it. You have the whole year to see them. Plus, your best friend will ditch you in two seconds at the burn. It is what it is. You don’t need them, you’ll find them when you really need them. 

It is a fool's errand to try to seek out friends. THE BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU CAN MAKE is following some other idiot on their mission to find a friend. This “friend” is probably lost in a Life sized TREX curled up thick as thieves  with some new love interest wondering how it’s possible to fall in love so quickly, only to lose them while in a dust storm while biking 1 hour later and then they’ll spend the next three days searching from after party after party trying to glimpse their love mirage again. It’s very sad. It’ll happen to you, it’s happened to me, it’s fine.

Burning man is about meeting ALL new people. Explore, sit down at camps, offer people water, food, smiles, the BEST way to meet new people is at a late night campfire. People who have campfires are always the coolest people you’ll meet and this is where the really funny, really honest, really pervert stories get shared.

..:: PLANS ::..

A hilarious concept. PLANS. Ha. If I had a dollar for every “plan” to meet up with someone, INCLUDING MY MOTHER, that went array. I would be a Billionaire, swimming in cash lemme tell you. Here’s a classic example that constantly goes wrong… “I’ll meet you at 7:45 and H at the Slut Olympics, at Slut Garden camp at 6 pm SHARP!!! - I will be there I promise!!!” If you don’t have a focused meet up point, like a bar, a giant Octopus, etc inside coordinates, you will go to the wrong corner or get confused about the ACTUAL time vs the location time, or you will forget entirely, or underestimate how busy an intersection / camp will be and forget your friend is probably wearing the weirdest combo of things imaginable  like a pasta strainer a 1950s bathrobe and sparkle wedges boots and look at them and past them. Don’t get mad at people for missing plans, just have a 15 minute rule, and then if they don’t appear,  go on about your day and trust that they love you and would have been there if they could.

Bikes break, drugs work, there’s the most beautiful people you’ve ever imagined every fucking where, plans schman’s. Just know that wherever you go, that’s where you were supposed to be and you will eventually or maybe never find the people you wanted to see and it’s all part of your Playa destiny.

A lot of my friends try to force me into a sunrise techno Deep playa meet up plan, every morning….Sure, good idea, until you realize that all the dickheads who live in Venice PLUS all the dickheads that spend New Years in Tulum AND all of the people who say things like IBITHA, and I winter in Mexico because I’m a “digital nomad,”  3/4 of Williamsburg and 1/8 of Austin and 1/14 of San Francisco ARE ALL FUCKING THERE in their sequined couture Miliary gear and you can NEVER figure out which of the sequined schmucks is the sequined schmuck YOU are looking for and then you realize you’ve biked to the literal hottest place on earth, the furthest away possible from your water supply, and you bike home like an Eeyore without their tail, realizing you missed an amazing opportunity go off on your own and get lost in the wonders of early magic morning comedy.

*Editors note, I know this may come off as harsh, and un burning man of me to attack this specific aspect of BM. These music camps have contributed many beautiful things to the Burning Man community and this is NOT directly about them. It’s not their fault that a particular kind of person flocks to their Siren call…OR IS IT…hahaha, I for one am just tired of this repetitive  mindset that many people I know get into where they are stuck on a night time deep Playa schedule and they miss 99 percent of the magic of the Burn. Its just the easy path, I am challenging you and them, to try and do new stuff. That’s all.

..:: ORGY DOME ::..

First of all, don’t believe the lies, it’s not a dome but a series of interconnected tents. I’ve only been to it once, for if you know me you know that a. I’m terrible at group sex B. I don’t care about sex at burning man III. I don’t like fucking strangers especially at the burn cuz I really don’t want my mouth to be used as someone’s wet wipe C. You have to wait like an EPOCH to actually get in it and while waiting around with a rag tag team of sexy time pervs for 5 hours usually would be my thing, I am in a constant state of crazy real time fomo at the burn thinking oh man what am I missing if i’m not actively moving through playa like a great white shark and can’t deal with down time of any kind. HOWEVER, it’s a super funny place, if you want to actually go be a communal wet wipe, do it early in the week cuz by the end of the week all the weekend pervs have flown in and your deli counter number (for real, they use a Zebar’s number system) will never get called.

..:: RADICAL SELF RELIANCE ::..

Take care of yourself. Your momma ain’t here no more (well mine is! If you see Kathy Wiseman, say hi! She’s the best). Get it together, you are an adult. You do not need anyone. Resource yourself so you can turn around and help those who cannot. Come prepared, do not rely on others to keep yourself healthy.

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!

Do some venturing on your own. It can feel scary to be on your own, but it’s really important. This is a place for you to grow, learn and discover things about who you REALLY are. You will get out of burning man what you put into it. How much you share, collaborate, participate, will be rewarded. There is a karma to the burn, it can be VERY harsh or incredibly rewarding, choose your own adventure. 

*2024 REMINDER: 

BEING ALONE AT BURNING MAN IS THE GREATEST THING EVER. FUCK YA FRIENDS YOUR FAMILY ALL THE OLD ENERGY - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DOUBLE DOWN ON YOU AND FATE AND ROLL THE DICE AND GO COLLECT NEW ROCKSTAR BEST FRIENDS AND FAMILY - all those other ho’s will be right where you left them.

I promise you.

WHO IS LARRY?

Larry Harvey is the the legend that helped make all of this possible. He died a couple years ago leaving behind him a global community of devoted Burning Man participants inspired by his vision to build a more creative, cooperative, and generous world. He was seventy years old. Get to know burning man’s roots. Read articles about how it was founded and why. Respect the dedication and genius that is going to allow you, some clueless, lowly caterpillar to blossom into the Blue Morpho butterfly you were always meant to be.

Read the Cacophony Society and just get fucking involved. There is far more at play in terms of societal revolution than you know. Burning man IS NOT JUST A DRUG FEST OF PARTY ADDICTS - it is a symphony of artists, creators and rebels who are here to say no to the prison that culture and religion and capitalization has tried to erect around us all. This is a SICK comprehensive guide to every single year of the BURN.

>> LARRY IS YOUR GOD FOR THE NEXT WEEK.

..:: ODDS AND ENDS ::..

• I always bring a notebook to write down addresses and events and a pen that's attached. 

• I always make business cards to give out, make them funny. Burning man is the best place in the world to manifest the people you need to build your dreams. If you have a project or business you're launching spend some time imagining that you run into the perfect person who will help you do the thing you need. If you want to find a psychedelic love partner, THIS IS LITERALLY 3d Apocalypse now tinder. There is no better place to fall in love. Clean out your emotional baggage. (Stop talking to that ex that sucks your dick perfectly but boy does she get mad, and jealous easily) Get rid of old relationship stuff in your house. Open your whole body up to the chance you could meet people, friends or cosmic love you're looking for. IT WILL HAPPEN.

• You need a cup, and make it fun. Decorate it, bedazzle it whatever it needs to have a way to clip onto a carabiner so you can attach it to stuff. All bars need you to have a cup.

• Leave all your expensive stuff at home. I mean this.Watches jewelry, laptops if you can, it's just easier. 

• People in RV’s bring your own pillows and sheets and a towel (a camping one that absorbs water well) theirs suck. 

• Apparently you can use credit cards at ARTICA - the SUPER FAB ice seller, who knew. BUT BRING CASH ANYWAY.

• DO NOT PARTY THE NIGHT BEFORE YOU HEAD IN TO BURN. Yes I know you’ll all fizzed up and ready to ride, you can smoke indoors cuz Nevada thinks it’s a immersive Mad Men experience, and you’ve got a fanny pack full of felonies burning a hole in your repetitive rat maze brain response system but seriously, GO TO BED. You’ve got a long week ahead of you. SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP.

• Get GAS in Gerlach and make sure you go into burning man as oily as a 7th grader who just got their first pube. The line is long but just trust me, you don’t want to run out of gas on Playa. Get a couple back up gas tanks as well.

• People taking SSRIs, PREP, mood stabilizers, whatever, make a serious plan to remember to take your meds on time, EVERY DAY. This is NOT the time to fuck around with your meds.

• As soon as you get into Gate road turn on the AM channels and scan for the Burning Man radio station, it’s the best.

• You need 1 GALLON of water, per person, per day.

• Don’t forget a big fuck off full length mirror, every one aways does and then there’s like 14 preening peacocks hovered around one sad floppy Walmart mirror and everyone leaves looking a little wonky.

• Please go to to the Black Rock Roller Disco, it’s the best fucking thing ever. Skateboarding camp crushes as well.

• PICKLES PICKLES PICKLES - SO SO GOOD FOR THE DESERT. The juice will LITERALLY save your life.

• Argan Oil, Vitamin E oil for your face ALL The time. Oil beats dust in Rock Paper Scissors.

• Have snacks and a great podcast or play list for entry gate - it can sometimes take 24 hours I am not kidding. You should also, if you’re in a car not an RV have thing to pee in, think ahead, it’s a doozy. DO NOT DRIVE INTO ENTRY hung over, cracked out, high, it’ll literally be like the Gods are ripping out your liver every morning and laughing while it regrows.

..:: MAN BURNS ::..

HOLY GUACAMOLE is this the best fireworks show your yankee ass is ever gonna see. When the man burns you have to KEEP YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER. Now, you have no compass, bye bye little prince, and no way to figure out really where the hell you are in relation to things. People will be going ape shit mother fucking bananas. I believe that this is the most dangerous time frame of the Burn. STAY TOGETHER.

HOLD

THE

DOOR.

There is an energy shift at this moment from the pure kerosine fumes, and a collective community ROAR that just bukakkes all over your casting couch and YOU NEED TO FUCKING keep yo wits about you. By this time, people will be doing helpful things like 1. switching the street signs b. stealing the street signs. iii. fucking in actual literal public 4. doing full body modern dance moments so bizarre they look like a deranged tarantula. 5. Howling. Shit is just looney tunes.

The playa is Andy Warhol levels of soupy and it’s just a terrible, no good, very bad time to try to get anything done. Find somewhere to dance, and stay there. Find a campfire, and use your new BFFF burner besties as a free therapy session. I dunno, just please, it’s a weird time and you need to be an Eagle Scout and try to keep it together CUZ EVERYONE ELSE WILL BE COOOCOO FOR COOOCOOO PUFFS. This is when I usually leave. Enough already,

I GET IN I GET OUT AND I GET HER DONE. I can do that, I’ve done my time. I mooped, I donated, I gave, I saw I conquered. But YOU, if you’re new or in need of. a good cicada shell molting, YOU need to sleep somehow, gather your thoughts, and do the walk of shame/glory that is the last day…..and sit silently for the temple burn. It’s beautiful, it’s holding space and helps get you back to the core of WHY THE FUCK WE ARE HERE.

LOVE BABY LOVE. WE ARE ALL PURE BEAMS OF PURE CELLULAR LOVE ENERGY. We are all the same. YOU are ME and I am YOU.

End this week with deep thoughts and big dreams.  You’ll be dead in literally NO time. Let is go, move the fuck on, burn it to the ground,  put your fucking muggle face in the dust and live in eternal gratitude for every deep breath you get to take AND stop being so caught up in the meaningless minutia that makes up our day to day insecurities and sadness.

I leave you with some principles that I tell every virgin:

• Fun 1st - Safety 3rd

• SPIN THE WHEEL - accept the consequences.

• Fire is hot!

• Drugs Work…

• Say YES!

• Lock it up.

• Dance it out.

• DON’T DIE .

• Breathe

• Hydration (with water) is life

• Stop. Look around, because you just might miss it….

• FUCK

  • YOUR

    • BURN

      The Man Burns in…..

      …FUCK THAT

      
      THE MAN IS ALWAYS BURNING

      IN YOUR HEART.

• 2024 NOTE:

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