Hello VIRGINS and Rusty Trombones!

This is Zoe Nightingale, your trusty burning man camp Director, here to pied piper you through what you will need to survive this upcoming literal shit show. This will be my 10th time on playa, and it took me a very long time to know how to do it right, and somehow I always do it wrong.

Once again, I am back with my 7th version of this MONSTER “guide”….whether you’ve done this one million times or are shaking in your tube socks trying to imagine what playa has in store for you, DON’T PANIC - and I am here to wet your ravenous little beaks with a little bit of Playa love and sprinkle some dust into your curious places.

In this serious, comprehensive “guide”, originally written out of frustration for the unbelievably tight new virgin holes that were bugging me every six seconds with the same fucking questions…but now written to also remind bitter old burned out road kill holes how to be the very best burner they can be….I will cover such important topics as:

WHY cocaine is NOT food….that beer is NOT WATER…How to stop looking for a love mirage named “Perception” you met three days ago at the orgy dome.. why it’s better to say no to late night techHo and yes to campfires, why you should ALWAYS spin the wheel, that fire is hot, how to say YES,  when to say no!  and the most important tips of all, HOW TO SUCCESSFULLY HAVE SEX ON PLAYA…without making mud.

So put on some tunes…scratch your dustless FOR NOW private parts cuz TONIGHT WE RIDE

*2023 I JUST RELEASED BURNING MAN 2022 EPISODES SO IF YOU WANT TO GET A HARD ON LISTENING TO A PLAY BY PLAY OF ME GETTING MY ASS KICKED ALL OVER PLAYA CLICK HERE!

Editors note: If you want a quick taste of Burning Man magic - this is three hours of all of my best burning man interviews starting with the best work I ever did, the episodes where I dragged my entire family, including my 70 year old mother, to the burn. It’s a great way to feel the magic and get a feeling of what you’re about to get yourself into. My mother has gone back to playa every year since. She is now 79. So be extra careful when you bring your actual family to meet your chosen family - you MAY NEVER GET RID OF THEM FML.

LETS CHECK IN:

How are we….? Overwhelmed? Exhausted? So excited that you’re literally vibrating and cannot complete a single work email - can’t find any clean underwear so you now wear amazon boxes to answer the door, accidentally leaving snail trails of pure anticipation every where you sit…while your phone dings over and over again, notifying you that 17 of your 45 Burning Man What’s App groups now have over 462,000 unread messages?

Feeling like you have nothing to wear and have nothing prepared, and just looked at your bank account and realized you’ve spent the equilvelent of a down payment for a house in Texas on just the basic things like tickets and “accommodations” and now you have no money to buy all the other stuff you think you need FML? It’s going to be ok. Breathe. You are abundant, the Playa will always provide, and you still have time and Prime to get your shit together.

FIRST THINGS FIRST

Let's start here with a very basic principle, no matter what you do, wear, buy, prepare, to be “ready” for the Burn…You will do it wrong, and it doesn't matter. So relax!

Murphey’s Law is REAL, and you will be fucked in ways only 15th Century Spaniards could have even imagined, and you’re going to BE OK.

There’s nothing you can do to prepare for what will happen at Burning Man. But if you stay organized, and you follow these rules, maybe, just maybe you’ll survive to see the rosy fingers of dawn once more. 

So we’re going to start with the most problematic part for most of soon to be gaping holes panicking all over the world getting ready for the burn.

Burning Man Fashion -  do not stress about this too much

My guess is you will end up wearing the same outfit for three days straight until the juices from your party holes combines with the magical dust (which is technically the same thing as battery acid) and it starts to literally disintegrate whatever outfit you decided in a fit of panic was the right one to wear when you were high as a lonely helium balloon that a sad kid let slip through his grubby little fingers and now is wandering aimlessly about the sky, getting higher and higher until until it bursts or kills birds or whatever it is balloons do when they escape.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU WEAR FASHION WISE!!!!!!

Let me be CRYSTAL clear - comfort and ability to adapt to extreme weather changes is the name of the game. 

Ladies, leave your stupid platform shoes at HOME. No matter how hot you look, you'll be surrounded by mountain cheeked alien women with eyes so large you think it was possible they are actually half human half lemur with breasts so well shaped and bouncy that they literally disprove most of Newton's laws of gravity...dressed in Mad Max strips of "fabric" (my mother calls them "tatters") that bravely try to cover up the cervix and nipples of the cacophony of “influencers” that descend from their thrones on Mount Olympus to frolic among the mere mortals. Don’t try to compete with them. They’re just a mirage. They can be some of the Burn’s greatest art.

Never fear, they aren’t having fun anyway. Most likely they are staying in some Russian oil dudes camp as basically hired help. Their feet are killing them and they are always looking for their lipgloss and vape both mango flavored.

So, my point is being hot is great, but there will always be someone hotter and with a cooler outfit, so focus on your sparkly personality, and just let it go.

Burning man is not a fashion show. I mean it totally is, but I don't want new people obsessing.

That being said, I expect ALL OF YOU TO SHOW UP LOOKING AMAZING. Silly, funny, comedy shit show handmade outfits WIN - perfectly curated instagram ads for the lose.

Be comfortable and relaxed.  Please try to figure out what you're going to wear and put each outfit into its own reusable bag and label it so you can just grab it and go. MAKE YOUR OWN STUFF !!!!! Don’t just buy expensive hats and jackets made by others.

Go to a trim/fabric store, get a glue gun and be a maker! It’s always more fun to wear stuff that you’ve recycled, reused and repurposed. There are a ton of options for burner clothing swaps, and goodwill/thift store hunting is some of the most fun you can have getting ready for the burn. Bedazzle it, fringe it, put funny patches on stuff, googley eye it, you will be so proud of yourself for not just being a consumer but a CREATOR. If you need more help on this email me. I will help you. ITS THE MOST FUN.

OK. SO LETS BEGIN…

These are the core things you need, and most important meta concepts you should grasp before you go:

DO NOT LEAVE THESE AT HOME OR I WILL PUT YOU IN BURNING MAN JAIL and you do not want to go there……it’s just a holding place before they take you to REAL jail...which is NOT ON BRAND FOR YOU. You are some soft as fuck city dwelling hipster creative type with word tattoos, only apple products and strong feelings about the kind of milk that goes in your coffee. You do not want to see what meth face is.

FOLLOW THE RULES!!!!

HERE is a complete checking list for you to use before you head into playa with EVERYTHING itemized, however please read through every section because it’s important you understand WHY YOU NEED EACH OF THESE THINGS.

ITEMIZED LIST - courtesy of FRIENDLANDIA/9:30 and H- I did not write this list, and I do NOT agree with everything on this list. I probably need to find a new list (send me one if you have a better one genuinelyfalse@gmail.com) I have added “helpful” notes in the sides about my feelings about their choices. I have also added a health/supplements package list created by Dr. Maria Marian, (her health section is in the middle of this monstrosity).

PRINT BOTH THIS AND THE REENTRY GUIDE FUCK THE PHONES THEY DON’T WORK YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO REFERENCE THIS I PROMISE YOU.

OK BITCHES LETS GOOOOOOO!!!!!

BRING HALF THE AMOUNT OF STUFF YOU PUT IN YOUR SUITCASE

Go through your suitcase and you better be wearing every single thing you're bringing. Be thoughtful. Be organized. Pack in cubes, keep things together. The more organized you can be when you get to Playa the better, because the moment you get there everything is so hard. Check the batteries you need for things. See if there's special tools you need to build stuff. Just do everything ahead of time, take the packaging off, do not bring garbage in with you. 

Get a bunch of different sized reusable bags that fully seal and put everything of value electronics etc in bags and have all your clean clothes in SEALED bags or they will get dust all over them. Nothing is safe from the dust.

GET UP IN THE GYM AND START WORKING ON YOUR FITNESS

Start working out NOW Go to spin class, get your cardio UP. This is an Iron man baby, show up ready to ride. Smokers, chill on the chain smoking you need your lungs in good shape. Your body is going to war with elements it was never supposed to live in. If you’re reading this, you’re most likely part HEEB and have inbred fiddler on the roof blood that doesn't clot and you most likely have things like asthma or allergies to peanuts. Bring first aid stuff. We will go over this later.

STOP PARTYING NOW

Do not touch booze or drugs from today until you get there. Rest. Rest. Rest. Start drinking 3x the normal water you usually do. Stay away from charismatic Italian friends with a penchant for late night dinners with a bottle of wine each and then a number to call to keep the party going. Burning man IS THE GREATEST PARTY OF ALL TIME. Don't waste your time on the basic shit.  Just say no to the Ho. 

WEATHER

The desert has four to six separate temperatures every day. You will be warm sweating then happy and then freezing and you can never really get adjusted. Layer. Day time is bathing suits, rompers, light, I would stay away from black because from 12 - 4 pm is molten lava hot. Then some years it's so cold I’m surprised penguins aren’t guarding eggs next to me, and some years it's so warm you don't need anything and I’m like FUCK WHY DID I BRING ALL THOSE WARM THINGS I HAD MORE ROOM FOR LIGHT UP SWORDS. You never know. Whatever you don’t bring you will need, that’s the fun game playa plays with you. SO BRING IT ALL.

2023 editors note: Honestly, last year was the worst weather year at burning man I have ever had. Ever. I have never been more uncomfortable, more delirious or closer to death, EVER. IT WAS UNFUCKING BEARABLE. Did I have shade? You bet. Did we have AC ? You bet. Did it save us. NO IT DID NOT.

No matter what, get misters, FOUND HERE. Keep an emergency dust storm pack in your day bag at all times. What is that!? 1. Ski goggles / medical /painters mask/ scarf, wet wipes. electrolytes, full camel back all the fucking time. Be prepared for entire days of dust storms. If the weather is anything near to last year virgins need to keep your shit together, stay soberish and LEARN THE MAP AND FIGURE OUT HOSPITALS CHILL DOMES COLD PLACES WET PLACES RIGHT FUCKING AWAY

Let me tell you something - IT COULD BE FUCKING BRUTAL OUT THERE. Greta is smart and our climate is changing and THIS IS NOT A DRILL. DANGER. 4 REAL. DO NOT MOVE if IN A WHITE OUT UNLESS YOU ARE IN A UNSAFE PLACE DEEP PLAYA Don’t even try. I almost died like 3 times going across playa to get to “safety” and it was a fucking miracle through total chaos white out madness. We somehow made it (shout out to Gutter-face YOU GLORIOUS GENIUS)

WARM JACKET

This should have a hood, be oversized and be made of fake fur or real fur if you're a terrible person totally fine. I have practically frozen to death there. You do not want to fuck this up. Gloves, oversize scarf, leg warmers, furry boots, long johns, good good good good good.

*GOOD NEWS - as always it apparently looks like relatively MILD this year. But I trust the weather at Black Rock City as much as I trust my ex boyfriend after he’s had a bottle of Jack and has broken into my grub hub/uber to see where I went the weekend he was away. I hadn’t done anything, but nice to know he cared. Asshole. So, I would STILL BRING WARM THINGS. But that’s me. Choose your choice.

SHOES

Whatever you wear, they better be broken in and they better be good for dancing. Get FANCY HIKER SOCKS. Or just padded cushioned ones cuz you're doing 20 x the amount of physical movement and your feet need to be treated like a tiny Nepalese child that has picked the same prayer beads as Buddha. In case you don’t understand what that means because you need to READ BOOKS MORE, it means: THAT SHIT IS SACRED YO. You fuck you feet. You fucked. Simple as that. 

Attention!!! Sexy ladies in giant platform buckled porn star boots living life fo da gram, you look uncomfortable, and your dance moves are mediocre. Do us all a favor and just wear comfy cowboy boots, and dance harder. You don’t need hot shoes to look hot. You’re luminous and perfect already.

COVER YOUR SHIT

Even though it's hot, you do not want to leave your skin exposed. Get flowing light fabric cover ups to protect your skin. Every year I leave looking like a baby pig on a spit roast. But a super unevenly cooked one. Sunblock is good, but it won't save you. COVER IT UP. 

LIGHTS

Which should be sewn or secured in your jacket and maybe hat before burning man. I don't want any of your virgin assholes turning into BM roadkill. LIGHT THE FUCK UP. You better turn into the Christmas tree I always wanted but never got. TWINKLE TWINKLE BITCH. I suggest , El Wire, Neo Pixel LED, and string lights. Your bike needs to be A LITERAL LIGHTHOUSE. Front lights, back lights, get fun lights for the spokes.

You want to do this BEFORE you get to playa. Every year I pretend like i’m going to be able to light up my bike properly and every year I fuck it up. Learn from me, DO IT AHEAD OF TIME.

*Note you are probably not smart enough for Neo Pixel LED

CAMEL BACK - water water water IS YO LYF

I cannot stress this enough, that place will dry your ass out faster than a man getting you tickets to a Dave Matthews show. Fill up your camel back, add electrolytes to it. Every time you stop and you can refill your water, do it. All camps will most likely have water to share, ask and refill EVERY TIME. Here is a pro trick, fill your camel back up with only ice, and you’ll have mountain fresh, Andre 3000 (ICE COLD) water all day. Bring 1 GALLON a day per person, no exceptions.

GOGGLES + SUNGLASSES + FOUR EYES

Just get ski goggles. You want something that during a white out, will completely protect your eyes. If you want to still look “cool,” get sunglasses that are a shield shape. I would attach sunglasses holders to them you will lose them, they will fall off, just do it. Don’t wear cheap lenses. Don’t wear “funny” glasses, wear good fucking sunglasses. it’s the desert. Do you like your retinas? Cool. GET GOOD EYE PROTECTION.

FOUR EYES

If you’re a contact/glasses person you need to over prepare for the following situation. 1. You lose your glasses. 2. You drop your glasses and some dude wearing a crop top and crocs and no pants immediately does a flamenco stomp on them. 3. You lose your toiletries with all your contacts. 4. You lose your saline solution for your contacts. Pro HEEB tips, get ski goggles and get your prescription put into them. Get ANOTHER pair of glasses, just as back up as well. Take this seriously, I’ve been with people who’ve lost their glasses, and boy have they accidentally fucked some charismatic people with a questionable amount of teeth.

SCARVES & DUST MASKS

The air quality is literally as good as sitting inside of a hot boxed meth kitchen where everyone is chain smoking. YOU BETTA BRING A GOOD FUCKING MASK. I know we are all sick of masks, but honestly, the playa sucks to begin with for your lungs, couple that with very real covid still alive and well, you my friend will regret not bringing the good shit. You like your lungs? YOU LIKE BREATHING? Get a good N95, or painters mask and then you'll wrap half your face in a scarf to bike because shit gets CRAY. You do not need those dystopian double super loser masks. Get something easy small that blocks the dust. Portable and light, is the name of the game.

BIKE - IS YO LYF

You must order these ahead of time, RENO’s bike selection is a deserted wasteland by the time your ass gets there. Order them ASSEMBLED. I like beach cruisers, some people like to have breaks and gears, whatever you fancy, YOUR BIKE IS YOUR LIFE. Put a Tile on that shit. Some well meaning hippie that gets confused about what time is, will steal it by accident. Some drunk idiot who can’t find his bike, will steal yours. LOCK IT UP. EVERY FUCKING TIME. Locks keep honest burners, FROM STEALING YOUR BIKE.

Chose carefully. Do not be cheap about this. Get the good shit. You probably want to get another seat (squish squish) for your bike. You're riding all day every day.

Baskets are very very good to have on your bike. Trailers are even better. Cup Holders are a pro move (get the bigger one) A bell or clown horn is a classic addition. All these fancy west coast people spend the whole year making their bikes. Good for them. The rest of us who fly in, just try to do the best you can. You will be consistently jealous of other peoples ingenuity and preparation regardless, Big fake flowers, tassels, lanterns, stuffed animals, flags, just go to Michaels and pretend it’s Project Runway and figure it out, I believe in you! Check out this Pinterest board for a couple ideas.

I cannot stress this enough. LIGHT THE BIKE. DO IT NOW. Attaching a super loud speaker to your bike is fun for day time cruising.

BRING A BIKE LOCK FROM HOME people always forget to and Walmart is always sold out and then you will be fucked in your duck dummy vaj, cuz THIEVES.

Electric bikes are SICK AF. But you have to be super mindful of charging them, because when they run out of batteries they are a HEAVY disaster to deal with. You just have to be mindful enough/ have enough fuel for your generator to manage this. If you’re new, and in good shape, regular biking is the way to go. Easy breezy and you will leave the Burn looking like Tyler Durden. HOT.

*2023 GET AN E BIKE SAVE ENERGY FOR DANCING. God ebikes are so amazing if you’re smart enough to feed and water it. You could even get one from amazon and return that shit for pro heeb move.

WALKIES

Walkie Talkies are amazing, if you’re smart enough to all get on the right channel. You’re probably not. Fuck the walkies.

BUY TILES + AIR TAGS + TAPE YOUR NAME CAMP ADDRESS TO EVERYTHING YOU OWN

Cover anything you love in tiles. Tape one to your phone, tape one to your body. Tape one to your mind. Put them on your keys. EVERYTHING GETS LOST THERE. People are up in arms about whether this will work or not, but IT WILL, eventually, Another solution however, thank you angry internet people, is to label everything you own with your name/camp location/number. Different strokes, different folks. Also smart to leave your phone screen locked message with that same note. People are GLORIOUS about returning your stuff and will go out of their way to help you.

TICKETS

Attention everyone…FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE I STARTED GOING IN 2011 THERES BILLIONS OF TICKETS FOR SALE LITERALLY EVERYWHERE. SO so sorry FOMO people…I would make a joke about egg on your face but what do you care, you’re fucking rich so jokes the rest of us I guess….It’s possible that this year we may be back at digestible numbers, like 50k…and this would make ME SO FUCKING HAPPY.

I have been trolling people for days on the Burning Man Ticket what’s app group, it’s so fantastic, I highly recommend trying to see what people will do to SELL YOU THEIR TICKETS - it’s just the best, I’ve had multiple women send me videos of them deep throating random pieces of fruit. YAY! FUCK YOUR BURN

No one is every happy - now that theres a glut of tickets people are FREAKING out doing dumpster fire sales, arguing about ethics so fucking boring. STFU everyone. Buy your ticket a face value - idiot rich people stop buying FOMO tickets BORG STOP fucking with us and manipulating the system like this finally it’s crashed - fine - but breathe everyone start acting like a kind burner NOW even on whats app.

However - as always - be ever vigilant about WHERE YOU GET YOUR TICKETS. ONLY BUY TICKETS THROUGH FRIENDS AND BURNING MAN ORG. Do not support 2nd party systems. DO NOT BUY THEM ON CRAIGSLIST OR STUB HUB BURNERS DO NOT SELL STUFF THERE Because drumroll please….

THERE ARE FAKE TICKETS AND SCAMMERS!!! Please please please for the love of god check the burning man website voided section of tickets if you are buying from a non burning man affiliated source. Scammers are a recent and very vicious new thing to deal with.

Make SURE the number at the bottom of your ticket is not listed on the voided ticket section because they WILL NOT LET YOU IN. I got a voided ticket once because my idiot friend didn’t tell me they bought them from some ticket website and I NEVER BEEN MORE UPSET IN MY LYF. I was all fluffed up ready to fucking rock and roll and NAH homie, I got sent to D (dunce) lot to look for a miracle. Also my OTHER friend in my RV had to wait too. BLAH. THE WORST.

I called my mother from entry gates who was camping with DPW, panicking, to help me, and she was like yeah sure (it was early there was cell service) I’ll call you right back. Do you know WHEN I HEARD FROM MY MOTHER…..

NEVER. After I had to literally shoot a arrow through a needle head and fight 20 large men to win Penelope. Don’t get that reference. READ MO BOOKS.

When I finally got in, DAYS later, I confronted her LIVID about abandoning me, and the heartless HARPEE was like, I dunno, I tried, and then there was this cool lecture and I did an art tour and I remembered that you’ve always been, “self reliant, so I figured you’d figure it out.” Angry face emoticon to the power of google.

I also left my tickets on my kitchen table once and didn’t realize until I was in air and had an actual cold body sweat melt down, sobbing silently from 32,000 feet for I had EVERYONE’s tickets that I was meeting at Reno Airport. Don’t panic. You’re pretty fucked, but you’re not Mortal Combat Finish him fucked quite yet. If you get hysterical, you will fail. Breathe. BUT SERIOUSLY TO AVOID THIS PAIN

DO NOT FUCK UP AND LOSE / LEAVE YOUR TICKETS.

God forbid you turn into one of those manifest barefoot rain dancing hippies on the side of the road with a cardboard sign. Oof. Tough. Manifest some shoes while you’re at it.

*Sidenote new people - try to avoid having your tickets at will call if you’re coming in to the burn during peak times (Sunday/Weds morning) because will call can take, LITERALLY THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIME AS it takes for someone on meth to find the hidden cameras the government put in the walls. No one knows why lines at burning man must be like this but because we have all become so used to this abuse please just save your physical tickets having friends this nightmare and figure out how to just have your ticket in hand so you can all just rock n fucking roll once you get through entry,

BATHROOMS

FIRST THINGS FIRST DO NOT PEE ON PLAYA. SAVE THE SHRIMP.

The porto-potties there are an immersive experience. They have a cleaning schedule and I try to follow the horrendous smell of the cleaning trucks like a Hansel and Gretel candy trail to find the newly serviced ones. If you’re smart, you’ll find your rich friends who have their own private bathrooms and learn their lock code, these people usually make the code very difficult, like 0001, or 0077, ah rich people. Bless you.

Also, don’t be an asshole and shit where you eat. You need plans to pee/poo at all times. Even if you have an RV there, trust me, you don’t want a tin can sitting in the sun full of you and your loved ones excrement. GET CREATIVE. Get a bunch of cat litter and a bucket and a small shower tent and a chair and take out the cushion so you have something to sit on. Here’s a funny video on how to make your own toilet! But having your own little bathroom is fucking awesome if you’re the kind of person who can manage their own shit - you’re probably not - BUT try! The inter-webs are full of solutions. 

Women, she pees and funnels are your friend. Getting some emergency pee bags for when your on a deep playa bike ride can be found here. Boys usually pee in bottles and Nalgenes cuz their gross and then forget, and accidentally drink it and that’s fine. Cuz boys are gross.

SHOWERS

Showers are almost pointless. But cleaning yourself is important. Be smart, go to Hart Tribes sauna (their usually 2/h or something?) and have a naked sweat with your new playa besties, and then go to Dr. Bonners human car wash which is RIGHT next door. What is that? Just go. You’ll never have more fun IN YOUR LIFE. If you are some first world princess n the pea type fine, get a sun shower and fill it up with water and leave it in the blistering sun and take an evening shower so you can pretend like your clean for exactly 13 seconds.

GREY WATER

You cannot dump this water on playa. If you erect a shower you must also have a bins underneath it to catch any water with soap/chemicals in it. Don’t fuck around with this. You must take this out with you. A good way to deal with it is to put a creat over a plastic bin and when that fills up funnel that into your empty large water jugs, close them up and leave them under the RV for clean up.

TENTS VS RV VS YURT

Ok. Look. I’ve stayed in every combination of thing you can imagine. Somehow I started my first burn in a 42 ft class A Gerogetowner that we rented off craigslist for like 1500 dollars and that shit WAS AMAZING. NOT ANYMORE. Inflation is real and now renting an RV costs about the same amount, as to go to an Ivy League School for a year, so I for one say FUCK THE RV’s.

AND LET ME EXPLAIN WHY:

1. The cost. It’s anti Semitic. Who the fuck could / would pay 13k for a week in a fucking RV. Lame.

2. Hard to drive. Usually my drive in crew is like half useless hot NYC gay guys (execept my one queer as fuck friend who grew up in a pig farm) a couple bitter ol Betty sexy dark Daria type women, and someone super useful like my mother who can barely see and does things like put on liquid eyeliner on during.a red light. RVS are just a huge pain in the ass and almost none of my city folk can drive them safely.

3. They smell bad. Even though we ALWAYS have a no poo rule, one of my dickhead friends (usually the coke heads) will not listen and the RV starts smelling like the bottom of a wook foot by day 2.

4. No privacy - seriously the amount of times I’ve heard or been seen having sex in an RV is seriously embarrassing.

5. THEY BREAK. ALL THE TIME. The generator breaks, the Air Con breaks, the fridge breaks and then you just have a big useless huge tin can gas chamber of death.

6. Enviromentally wasteful.

7. GAS PRICES OMFG NOOOOO it’s gonna cost you RV dicks like a Scrooge MCDUCK vault of gold to fill up those tanks. Lame.

   SO HERES WHAT I WOULD DO

   I would buy a good tent or a shift pod, get a swamp cooler and a fan and a small generator and ac. I like a shift pod for sleep and a small tent for all my clothes. MEGA privacy, WAY WAY WAY cheaper, and friendlier for the earth WIN WIN WIN

8. IF you can build a yurt THIS IS THE MOVE. YURTS ROCK. Get an air con with this and you are like KING OF SIAM. SO CHEAP. Sick AF.

NO MATTER WHAT. IF YOU HAVE A TENT OR A SHIFT POD YOU MUST MUST MUST PUT IT UNDER A SHADE STRUCTURE AND STAKE IT DOWN SO HARD IT CAN RESIST *80 MPH WIND. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. SHADE IS LIFE.

Seriously, I’ve had tents BLOW CLEAN AWAY. Use rebar and a mallet and a really strong person and MAKE SURE ITS SECURE.

HEALTH

I have enlisted a rockstar functional medicine doctor and all around BADASS to give you some simple medical advice - she’s NOT YOUR doctor, but she’s MY doctor and she’s hot and smart and has eyes like the ocean. Spank bank here we come.

BURNING MAN NATUROPATHIC SUPPORT:

PREPARATION PRIOR TO AND DURING THE EVENT

MARIA E. MARIAN, ND, MSE

 Dr. Marian here - I am a licensed Naturopathic Doctor coming up on 15 Burns and I have learned a few things over the years on thriving in desert heaven/hell.

However, your ability to face challenges inherent to the burn depends entirely on a) the work you do on yourself before and after the burn, and b) your physical ability to actually do the damn thing.

I’m here to help fortify your physical vessel and brain to be able to tackle the latter. The former is your responsibility.

Disclaimer:

What follows is not medical advice. Before taking any herbal, nutraceutical or consciousness-modifying agent, ask your doctor if it’s right for you. If you don’t have a doctor with whom you feel comfortable talking about these topics, we suggest you find one. Remember, your doctor works for you. Zoe and I will be very busy dancing, so have a back up info source for YOUR inherent needs. Also Angry Internet:

WE ARE NOT PAID BY ANYONE TO RECOMMEND STUFF. SO SHUT UP - this is our personal shit - fuck you forever.

Supporting Your System Through This Experience Requires a Multi-Pronged Approach 

 The following is not a comprehensive list, and you do not have to do everything on this list. You need to think about your body and where your typical weaknesses are. The systems and processes in the body that need the most support before, during and after the playa are (1) your brain, (2) your liver, (3) your adrenals, and (4) your lungs. We have also included a brief list of additions to your standard first aid kit that may be helpful.

1. BRAIN SUPPORT 

·      ANTIOXIDANTS: Eat lots of fruits and vegetables and 5 brazil nuts daily; good practice to do in life always. Take reasonable doses of Vitamins A, C, and E, lipoic acid, selenium, zeaxanthin, and NAC for 1 month prior, during and 1 month following the Burn. 

·      MAGNESIUM: protect brain from glutamate-induced brain damage associated with psychotropic drugs. Take during and for 1 month following the Burn. 

·      5-HTP: Building block for serotonin. Can help to restore serotonin reserves following MDMA use. Use as needed if you find it works for you but do not take within 24 hours of MDMA use because you risk serotonin syndrome.

·      B COMPLEX: Help make neurotransmitters, detoxify and energize your body. Take during and for 1 month following the Burn.

2. LIVER SUPPORT 

·      DAILY LIVER FORMULA (GAIA HERBS or similar). Take daily for 1 month before and 1 month after the Burn.  

·      GLUTATHIONE (Research Nutritionals). Take daily or twice daily during the event and for 1 month following the Burn. 

3. ADRENAL SUPPORT

Pick one or two of these and take for one month prior, during and one month following the Burn: 

·      RHODIOLA - Naturopathic speed

·      GINSENG - Makes you amped up and smarter or at least feel like you are

·      HOLY BASIL - Makes you happy plus liver protective, antioxidant, anti-inflammatory and antioxidant. Are you seeing a pattern yet? Plants are magic. This one is HOLY. Need I say more?

·      ASHWAGANDHA - GABA-like (anxiety-reducing) action on the brain, antioxidant, mood enhancer

4. IMMUNE SUPPORT 

·      KICK ASS IMMUNE ACTIVATOR (Wish Garden) 

·      SOOTHING THROAT SPRAY (Herb Pharm) 

·      ARGENTYN 23 NASAL SPRAY

5. LUNG SUPPORT 

·      LUNG EXPECTORANT (Herb Pharm)

·      DEEP LUNG (Wish Garden) 

6. NATUROPATHIC FIRST AID KIT (Additions to your solid standard first aid kit) 

·      Arnica 30 C pellets - Dissolve under tongue for pain, bumps, bruises, trauma

·      Arnica gel - Apply topically for pain 

·      Calendula cream - Apply topically for cuts, scrapes to prevent infection and speed healing (no open wounds) 

·      Tea tree oil - Antimicrobial antiseptic for cuts and scrapes as well as antifungal for athlete’s foot. Dilute for topical use; not for internal use (don’t swallow it friends). 

·      Aloe vera gel - Sunburn

·      Ginger tea - Nausea, digestive support 

·      DGL (Deglycyrrhizinated Licorice) tablets - Heartburn, indigestion 

·      Coconut water - Hydration of cells requires glucose; coconut water is nature’s gift 

OK ZOES BACK HELLO I KNOW YOU MISSED ME! LETS KEEP TRUCKING

 SHOPPING LIST for the BASIC SHIT

• Sunblock. Get the reef safe shit and get the stuff without the cancer toxins. Spray is the only way. 

• Blister stuff

• SLEEPING PILLS. Get all the Ambien you can possibly find or Melatonin (whatever, for me I need industrial acme anvil knock out pills) Sleeping at burning man is literally impossible even when you're sober. It's loud, it's weird, you're surrounded by people looking for their nipple pasty it's a nightmare. 

• Eye mask

• Get amazing ear plugs, - it's loud loud loud loud loud 

• Nedi Pot / Saline Solution

• Throat things - you will lose your voice. 

• Head Ache Stuff

• Coconut oil IS THE BEST. For sex, for your skin, for your hair, lube it up keep it MOIST BABY.

• Chapstick with sun protection SUPER IMPORTANT. I duct tape mine to a lanyard with a retractable coil on it and have it on me at all times.

• Every night you need at some point to take your feet out wipe them down completely and cover them in lotion. There is a dreaded thing called “Playa foot” I am not joking and it’s even less pleasant than it sounds. The dust can do terrible things to your skin if you don’t just wipe down and take care. 

• There are many full service hospitals at burning man and planes that can take people out at an instant so don’t worry you should be fine. But look both ways, there may be a large converse shoe full of clowns going 20 MPH about to squish you at any time. I ran over someone once at night in my golf cart cuz they weren’t lit up, they were fine, and in the court of burning man law, THAT IS THEIR FAULT. LIGHT UP.

• Baby wipes. Do not buy the industrial size. Get normal size, you don’t need that many. Your dirty ass will use like 30 max while you’re there. You CANNOT put these in the portaloos you need to pack these out with you, bring a ziplock for these.

• Again, donate all left over useful medicines, products, electronics, whatever to tear down camp on your way out. DON’T FORGET.

INTERNET + CELL PHONES

In some weird places 3g works, mostly for Verizon phones. But FUCK THE PHONES. Put an away message and just be there.  Do not go to burning man with some crazy important meeting or investor pitch half way through the week. You will go crazy. Let everyone know that you are away, do not try to do anything and I mean ANYTHING important / call anyone / tell a loved one you’ll check in, EVER. You won’t. You will fail.

I would bring a camera and leave your phone at the RV. You  will lose your phone, and probably you'll get it back, but really try to disconnect. There used to be Zero signal, and it was amazing phones work off and on but not really, but it's enough that people become obsessed with finding friends or whatever just put that shit away.

FUCK THE PHONES THEY RUIN BURNING MAN, and everything.

CASH

Bring at least 350 in 20’s. Just in case. You need it to pay for RV waste dumping, water refills, ice, tacos and pizza on your way out and no one in Gerlach takes credit cards.

SEX

Its very difficult to fuck at the burn. So don't even worry about it. But dudes if you're trying to go to bone town staying sober is a good idea. Your poor little peckers are already squished on bikes, tucked into tights and dryer than Ghandi’s flip flop. Sex can be overreated and gross there unless you’re with a partner whose party butt you don’t mind eating after a three day bender. If that’s you, great you’re going to have some of the most intense and beautiful sex of your life. But for singles, or recent sex partners, just focus on yourself, and try not to let your little lizard brain monster control your every behavior.

Ladies. Apple cider vinegar is your Vaginas friend. Bring it. Read this. Wipe her down, clean her up, cuz a yeast infection at burning man should be avoided At ALL COSTS.

If you're bleeding - you're fucked. It sucks. Good luck. I could give you options here but any way you spin the dreidel it’s gonna land on the one where your brother gets all your chocolate gold. You can try a soft cup, diva cup, tampons whatever, I RUINED one of my fav outfits and danced til dawn looking like Carrie after she won Prom Queen so out of it I assumed my skirt had always been red. It’s fine, no one will remember, but you.

DRUGS

Take it SLOW. Less is more here. Get your bearings. Learn the maps. Get the system. Find your nearest hospital. Understand your section, make visual cues like the Dragon with a dildo horn is facing the man which means my camp is two blocks to the left. You'll get it when you're there. Bring enough drugs to combat the possibility that your friends will steal them all. 

DRUG SCHEDULE (take with a grain of….salt…) OR BE SOBER

There is a drug symphony that you should try to be the conductor of IF you want to do drugs here. You should not take Molly every day idiot. Why? Cuz your mopey little ass will be sobbing like a single girl watching the Note Book on Valentines Day by day three and YOU will be a menace to your fellow burners.

Due to aging and wisdom, the last couple years I’ve tried sober the fuck up so I can be of a crystal clear mind when I’m doing the things I love there, like making podcasts, telling campfire stories, playing games, spinning wheels, forcing confessions out of people for fireball shots and it turns out when I do drugs, I cannot sleep there AND it turns out, I NEED SLEEP TO BE GOOD AT DOING THE STUFF I LOVE. Weird right?

It’s also a bonus that when you sleep and don’t do mountains of drugs you don’t leave the BURN looking like Jordan Catalano’s mother from Requiem for a Dream by the end. But look, this IS the place to do drugs, if you can handle it.

It’s fucking magic, hilarious, nonsensical mind melting beautiful next level Dali psychedelic wonderland. BUT YOU MUST BALANCE BABY. Here’s a very rough schedule for you to just take in consideration and then of course do the opposite and GET MUNTED.

Day 1. Chill out sloshy Sally. Try to figure out where the fuck your tuchus hole is, in relation to the man before you chow down on a Colombian tapas board. Go to fucking bed day one, IF YOU CAN. (see sleep schedule). DO NOT open up whatever giant box of Pandoras failings you had hidden in your rectum during entry immediately get all Cookie Monster before you’ve set up your tent. I promise you if you begin burning man on the cocaine train you WILL regret it. Don’t do it. Please, listen to me. It’s a ROOKIE AMATEUR HOUR MOVE. You will destroy your nose, lose your voice, end up in shitty dub step parties freezing your ass off, forget to eat, and be cracked the fuck out by day 3. Lame.

Day 2/3/4 Acid/mushrooms/ketamine/adderall/booze: I would only use Lucy in the SKY and ALL THE DIAMONDS early in the week because it’s less chaotic, easier to bike, playa is packed harder and there’s just less fucking sparkle dickheads conjesting every corner. Ketamine is awesome there. DMT vape pens are a PRO move and will blow your literal mind apart. But don’t overdo the DMT. I had a friend legit lose ALL his marbles there and have to be taken to Reno Hospital and picked up by his parents, he was like 35. Just chill Winston, and don’t be a crackhead.

Day 5/6: by now, you’re going to need some help. Microdosing LSD is always a great idea to keep energy up. Later in the week/weekend is when pills/mdma/cocaine are acceptable.

Day 7: temple burn - chill out, settle in, spend half the day in the temple, half the day journaling mediating and lay off EVERYTHING.

Day 8. Go to rehab. ahahahaha. SERIOUSLY.

You want to be on drugs that make your heart and mind as open as humanly possible. You also don't want to be taking drugs you have to take constantly because there are VERY REAL POLICE THERE trying to catch you. Pot smokers and power snorters get picked up all the time. DO NOT DO DRUGS OUT IN THE OPEN. You used to be able to do that, not anymore. Be careful, look around, don't be a jackass. Not even your mother will leave burning man to get you out of jail. TRUST me. Do NOT buy DRUGS on PLAYA period.

Also it’s not a good idea to snort stuff at burning man. Your poor nose is so fragile there, with the constant dust. If you’re going to do powders, the best move would be to dissolve it in water and put it in a clean Nasal Saline Sprayer. Still effective but more gentle on your snoz. 

Bring the best nose spray you can find. You will be blowing dinosaur fossils out of your nose with or without drugs. Take care of your party holes. They are your friend, and when you ignore them, they ruin your party.

I feel weird writing this much about drugs, because I do not want people to think that burning man is ONLY for people who like drugs. It’s not. I just feel obligated to drone on about this stuff because people seem to have some trouble there finding their sweetspot. If you’re sober/recovering there are many many meetings in Playa you can attend and sober spaces. If you just get high on light naturally GOOD FOR YOU. I mean that. Lucky. You don’t need to worry you’re going to have the BEST TIME. I only am saying this for the 10 percent of people that need to hear this.

GLITTER

It turns out glitter is really bad not just for fish and the world but for your lungs. OH YEAH, and also it’s MOOPY AS FUCK. I know we’re all glitter addicts at heart, but FUCK THE GLITTER. I know, it’s hard. I’m sorry. This goes for sequins, this goes for rhinestones, this goes for ANYTHING that isn’t well made, super secured and large enough to be seen, found and removed from playa if it falls from your disco stick.

FOOD

Do not bring all this crazy food with you. You'll be fine. People always always always over buy and over pack. Don't do that. It's wasteful and stupid. Get some back up protein bars and some trail mix - buy prepared meals, or really easy things to cook - eggs, bacon…cereal. I bring an IV full of charisma and I just feed off that for a week. You need to eat, cocaine is NOT food, and you’re burning 10x your normal amount of calories due to biking and dancing, but don’t be my Jewy Lewis and the News pain in my ass family constantly obsessing about how they’re going to cook brisket and salmon on playa. Relax.

If you don’t have an RV or central camp kitchen you’ll want to bring a large cooler with you for your tent. I bring one ANYWAY just to have personal cold stuff like pickles and setlza. Cuz you know, no matter how much uncircumcised dick I date, I’m still a Jew. :(

There are SO MANY awesome food camps - here is a guide to how you can literally go NUTZ on gourmet nosh - CHOMP GUIDE. Pro tip, there is KILLER pho at this camp I can never remember usually on esplanade I think it’s called PHOKING? Something like that. Also late night grilled cheese and miso soup is the way to go.

But usually I just listen to Kate Moss. She’s smart.

BOOZE

Beer is not water. DRINK LESS BOOZE / DRINK MORE WATER. One drink, one full cup of water, every time. Also, most camps want you to have an actual ID with you to get booze, due to…you know, like laws and stuff. Some will accept a paper copy taped to your cup. I never bring anything cuz duh I lose everything there and I mostly try stick to water, cuz water goes really good mushrooms. Side note, I recently discovered that Patron makes an espresso tequila THAT IS AMAZING. Just bring a couple bottles of that, you’ll be fine. Jameson, mescal, bottles that require no mixers for me is the way to go.

ART

Most of the art will be burnt to the ground by Friday so really try to do long deep playa art days way before that. Art is the reason you’re there. So go see it, you’ll never see it all, but try. You will fail. But try. Some of my absolute fav fav fav’s are Studio DRIFT, Christopher Shardt, and HYBYCOZO, anything they do IS PURE MAGIC TIMES BLISS PLUS GENIUS PLUS cream cream dollar dollar bills ya’ll.

MUSIC CAMPS

If you’re smart. You will not fall into the after party, swirling whirlpool of death that is late night deep playa art cars. These camps are great, can have killer music / visuals and are technically “fun” , but mostly it’s just a circle jerk kids of kids who went to boarding school in places like Switzerland, and they show up and all eat the same ookie cookie, and have things like WRISTBANDS or necklaces to get on their art cars, (fuck that in general) and in my humble opinion, the REAL magic of burning man is going off on adventures, exploring the art, getting involved with the daytime workshops and local comedy that is EVERYWHERE.

You want to hear GOOD MUSIC? Go to Jazz cafe at 6:00 and basically center camp. Go to the blue grass camps, wander around until you hear some dope DJ crushing it all alone in this sick Bedouin tent and dance your little heart out and support their set. Go to gayborhood on the 7:00 side in general, Pink Mammoth has the best day time parties there. Bubbles and bass for mimosas. There is amazing music EVEVERYWHERE with things like WORDS - and melody and oh my god, can you imagine GUITARS. Listen I get it, you love love love loud loud loud techno out of big big speakers…I only have one question…who hurt you? Show me on the doll….JUST KIDDING, listen not trying to be a dick but BLAH come on, just try to switch it up a bit. Try daytime disco/ Funk /Soul, Blues…and dare I say it ROCK AND FUCKING ROLL maybe?? LED ZEPPELIN IS SO GOOD THERE OMFG. Prince? Prince is so good there that your hymen regrows…. Pink Floyd….? THEY WILL MELT YOUR SOUL. Try it, it’s good for you.

Try to be up during the day. Get rest at night. 

Here is a good schedule:

Try to get on a sleep cycle if you can. You don’t need to sleep more than 4 hours. But you will be so happy if you do. 

First day and half/2 days: you have no chance of sleeping. Not a chance. You’ll be so buzzed on all levels and all your synapses will be firing at once. 

The right time to sleep are the following

12- 5 pm. Hottest time of day

2am - 5 am. Coldest darkest most druggy music part of day

BE AWAKE DURING SUNRISE AND SUNSET.

They are amazing. They are magic. Do not miss this.

The whole place comes alive when the sun pokes its head out of the mountains and when she finally goes back to bed. 

DO NOT FUCK UP AND RAVE TO THE GRAVE.

You will regret it and miss the ABSOLUTE MAGIC OF THE MORNING. 

GET the FUCK OUT OF DEEP PLAYA by 9:00 am - it will get so hot, so quick and you will be WAY further away then you think if you followed a thump thump into oblivion.

Also quick note about scheduling. GO FOR THE WHOLE TIME. Start to fucking finish if you’re new. Weekend warriors are stupid. Stay for temple burn, it’s beautiful, everyone skips it, but it’s really one of the most beautiful things you can see at the burn.

CAMPS

Camps are my personal favorite part of the Burn. If you’re lost, ask for help, if you’re hungry, dehydrated, tripping so hard you think your fingers are oranges and start to peel them, GO to any camp and they WILL HELP YOU. New people always think that BM is about bartering, it’s not, it’s literally just about gifting and sharing.

Most camps will always have something fun to share, a game to play, a lecture, a spa, a sex toy, a joke, a drink, a stew, a DJ, a circus show, a happy ending, it’s just the best. SPIN THE WHEEL SPIN THE WHEEL. If there’s a confessional, do it. If there’s a wheel, SPIN THAT SHIT. Do whatever it says and shut the fuck up. Listen. You’re going to be lost. SO SO SO SO LOST. Aren’t you lucky? You paid all this money to come all this way to this controlled shit show so enjoy being lost. Go with the flow. If someone asks you if you want to do something, do it.  This is real life pervert summer camp. GET INVOLVED. Jump on trampolines, swing on swings, paint cow skulls, learn about bondage, get weird, stay curious, wash strangers butts, don’t take your bad moods out on others.

CAMP DUTIES

Listen. This is for glistening pink wet hot bleached 17 years and 364 day year olds AND blown out full small intestine roadkill holes - DO NOT MISS YOUR FUCKING CAMP SHIFTS. Running a burning man camp is MISERABLE. You cannot imagine how annoying it is. It is a gift and act of love and only for the very organized and VERY SADO-MASOCHISTIC. So if you are scheduled to do something, SHOW THE FUCK UP. All hands on deck here. There’s many jokes I could try to make here to get you to understand how fucking annoying it is. But honestly, please, if you say you’re going to do something, DO IT. So, check ahead of time what your duties are, and be there, rested, smiling, sober and why the hell not, DO MORE. The reason burning man is amazing is due to humans showing the fuck up for one another, be a solution NOT A PROBLEM.

PLUG N PLAY CAMPS - YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

Oh boy. Lemme tell you something, there is literally nothing I dislike more than pillsbury dough people who fly into playa, adding nothing, taking everything and staying at these asshole magnet camps.

What is it? It’s very simple. It’s a camp, that is created, for profit, by Grinches who believe that it is cool to provide a cushy, easy, San Trope bottle service experience to lazy, spoiled lima beans sparkly pony humans who can pay upwards of 30 k PER PERSON to have a bullshit burn experience.

There is literally hired help, who are paid next to nothing, to cook, clean and power these colostomy bag smelling humans and to add insult to this injury the people who work there are not invited to participate in the dinners/art cars fun etc. LAME TIMES INFINITI.

The good news is, there’s not that many of them. Don’t be scared, almost 97 percent of burning man is made up of the literal best people on the whole planet. This is just something I needed to get off my chest. So excuse my un-burning man vibes here.

I have NO problem with people spending their money as they want to on beautiful rockstar camps that provide insane experiences for ALL of burning man and SICK AF art / cars that EVERYONE can play in IF EVERYONE in the camp is contributing and working towards the communal good of all of burning man LIKE THE FUCKING REST OF US.

I will not name these camps. I want to. I know you. I HAVE A LIST OF YOU. You can tell these bell ends easily because they will have a giant square of generators / service trucks circled around each other and it will not have a easy entry point to try to keep other people out. LAME.

There will also be like a billion electric everything, professionally decorated, bikes, golf carts, Segways huddled and locked together being powered by the stadium sized generators they truck in. These people hate comedy, and usually don’t look you in the eye for fear that you’ll see right through their perfectly filtered existence and see they terrified itty bitty insecure OZ operating inside of them.

I want them to know that YOU ARE NOT COOL FOR BEING HOARDING RESOURCES, YOU ARE BORING.

HOWEVER, if you’re one of these people, talk to me. THERE IS STILL HOPE. I can help you take off your shackles and walk towards the light. OPEN UP YOUR CAMPS guys, share, and contribute and stop leaving your bikes on playa.

CAMPS SHOULD BE BUILT BY THE PEOPLE FOR THE PEOPLE. Period. But who am I to judge. In the end of the day, everyone has to live with themselves and how they show up in the world.

Ah well. Until then my friend Joee Irwin has created a bunch of flyers which I hope don’t get laminated tonight and then gorilla glued to their entrances. Fingers crossed….FUCK THAT I WILL BE GLUING SIGNS TO EVERY SINGLE PLUG N PLAY I CAN FIND. FUCK THEIR BURN.

MOOP - MATTER OUT OF PLACE

Get to know this word. This is a big deal at burning man. Do not leave garbage or cigarette butts anywhere. People will tar and feather you. If you're a smoker design a little box to keep your ashes and butts. Do not wear small feathers that will fall out. Leave no trace is a real thing…I mean at least on Playa once people leave it's like the worst environmental disaster of all time and totally hypocritical. If you want a burning man gold star you will donate your extra gear and food at the gate to the tear down volunteers. Really try not to just be some first world dick head who puts all their “leave no trace” stuff at the local dump. Be thoughtful, clean up after yourself for fucks sake, you’re probably 33.

IF YOU SEE PEOPLE MOOPING ALL OVER THE PLACE, lightly correct them by using any of the tested and true spanish inquisition style devices that made so many of my jewish ancestors bow down to Christ. You see MOOP, you grab it and depose of it. You see MOOOPERS, take a 12 inch dildo and give them a toncilectomy. FIgure it out, you’ve watched enough porn to find creative ways to help our less moop minded friends change their behavior.

BEFORE YOU LEAVE BURNING MAN YOU MUST MOOP YOUR CAMP SITE

If you’re new, and camping without a community to tell you this, read the above article. There is a hilarious way that Burners pretend they’re good people by leaving “NO TRACE” before they head back to their endlessly wasteful lives. Anywhere you camped, you need to pick over with a fine tooth comb for ANY MATTER OUT OF PLACE. This could a gemstone smaller than a premature babies pinky toe. This could be a tiny piece of plastic, a itty bitty feather, cans, tent poles, used condoms, WHATEVER. Pack it in, pack it all mother fucking out. You are repsonsible for the first time in your whole life for every single thing you touched, ate, used, brought with you AND whatever other people may have left in your campsite. It is a a privilege to use this land, treat it with respect and don’t fuck this up.

GARBAGE

This goes without saying by now, but try, as much as you can, to not bring single use plastic, and use up-cycled and recycled materials. Leave unnecessary packaging at home.

• Choose crushable cans over plastic and glass, and crushable plastic over glass.

• Aluminum cans can be brought to Recycle Camp. RECYCLE CAMP IS SICK AF. They have this weird machine that crushes everything and they give you a coin they make out of the cans. SICK. You can volunteer to help them at recycle@burningman.com

• Separate burnables from recyclable and wet materials. Have an oil drum and stay warm at night by burning all your cardboard and paper materials.

• Store cigarette butts in a candy tin.

• Do NOT throw bottles into fires, idiots. They explode.

• Absolutely do not throw ANY trash of any kind into the porta-potties. This includes “organic” materials and others that “decompose” over time in a large public septic system. Putting anything but human waste and TP into the potties clogs the pumping mechanisms and fucks it up for the lovely humans who service them. “If it wasn’t in your body, don’t put it in the potty!

• Bring a moop bag with you In your day bag so if you see any you can do the RIGHT THING and take it with you.

• DO NOT LEAVE YOUR BROKEN BIKE ON PLAYA. If you lose your bike, really really try to find it and not make it someone else’s responsibility. Donate all unwanted bikes to Playa Bike Repair.

CENTER CAMP

One of the first things I ALWAYS DO, is head right over to center camp. Some of my friends have never ever seen it. It’s a magical place with mediocre talent shows, a lot of acro yoga, and the hub of the whole operation. It’s a great way to get oriented, they have a newspaper and you can just learn all kinds of cool shit that’s going on around you.

PLAYA GIFT

A “Playa gift” is something small you give to people you meet that you like. Can be anything. Don’t be cheap. Bring like +-35. It’s kindergarten bitch, and it’s fun. Do not get cheap stuff at Walmart and add more garbage, make them priceless please, or try to be more organized next year. In the past I have given out personalized dog tags, Willie Nelson American flag bandanas, buttons with snarky sayings, dick and duck shaped chocolates, be creative. Sharing is caring.

WHITE OUT

Oh boy oh boy are these a DOOZY. White outs have given me some of my most terrifying moments at BM and my most magical. There’s nothing like it. You get swallowed up in a cloud of white, you literally can’t see anything but faint blobs in the distance, it’s like being transported into the Matrix before all the guns magically appear. So what do you do. Stay put. Drink water, strap your goggles down, put your mask on, and wrap your scarf around the mask and knot the ends tightly down into whatever else you’re wearing. The only real danger is running out of water, or being run over by something like a giant rubber ducky art car that can’t see you.

Everyone and everything is supposed to hunker down and stop (including all vehicles) during a white out, but just keep vigilant, stay hydrated…it literally can feel like dancing with the devil in the pale moon light.

THIS YEAR IS CRAZY DUSTY. Careful out there kids. Huge dust storms, trucks being flipped over, Dorthy you’re not in Kansas anymore, goggles, mask, 2x the amount of water in case you get stuck.

CLASSES/LECTURES

As soon as the guide book is in my grubby little paws I spend a couple hours going through the bazillion offerings that each camp has. I then write them down on a piece of paper day by day and make a schedule. It’s a super fun thing to go on an adventure looking for a teddy bear BDSM lesson only to get lost and find yourself in a pick your nose in public danceathon. You cannot imagine the creative genius that is available to you in every nook and cranny of the Burn, so give yourself half a chance to see 1 percent of it and read the fucking guide.

FIRE

FIRE IS HOT. Duh! Right? You would think this would be self explanatory but NO, I have gotten murdered in the 1st, 2nd AND 3rd degree (burns) at the BURN how’s that for some fun irony. The latest was when my virgin boyfriend had taken acid and ditched me to go on a solo mission, and I for “fun” wrote FUCK MY BURN in giant letters on all along my left arm….as a JOKE…because I was sad and feeling weird and ended up sobbing alone wandering around playa ending up in the Incendia dome which is by far the coolest thing Playa Skool has EVER dome.

This is a giant geodesic dome that pumps propane in through these nets of fire retardant material UPSIDE-DOWN like ova ya head and it looks like you’ve finally answered the age ol’ question of whether or not you’d make it past the pearly gates or obviously rot in hell forever due to your lifetime repetitive, unrepentant sin but Hell, it turns out that HELL is SUPER fun and all your fiends are there YAY!!! Jokes on you, CHRISTIANS.

Anyway I went to say hi to my friend Holmar, a DJ, and I leaned up against the black pipes that were outlining the DJ booth and OF COURSE laid my FUCK MY BURN forearm over the 40 million degree pipes that had just shut off the fire and indeed my burn was fucked. Unbelievable pain, like getting fucked in the ass with no KY by that Covid big dick meme guy….lame lame lame. Took forever to heal. Had a wonky useless arm, fucking terrible,

There is fire EVERYWHERE. Embers, fireworks, bonfires, giant Trojan horses blazing in the sky like the sign of the antichrist. Just be fucking aware. Don’t be a dumbass. Look around and down if you see that someone has burned a giant dildo “art” sculpture and step over it or just go around it. DUH.

TEMPLE

Temple is the heart and soul of the burn. SHUT THE FUCK UP WHEN YOU ARE ANYWHERE NEAR THE TEMPLE. This is not a place for your giggle filled ass to tutu around. Read the messages, connect with human joy and suffering. Bring photos / poems / keepsakes from home to add. I always bring a ton of shit cuz somehow every year my emotional baggage gets so heavy it costs me an extra 150 dollars to fly with and OH and bring a bunch of Sharpies to share so you can write on the wood walls and the pens there are few and far to come by. I spend at least half a day in the temple. I read the messages, I study the joy on the deceased faces and try to absorb the love and loss that they left in this world.

I sit and hold space quietly for people, and also leave with people and go outside with them if their despondent and use physical touch (with consent) and just a big pair of ears tuned to only them to help them grieve. It’s a hard place, its a beautiful place, and it’s NOT some place you should go if you’re cracked out or on uppers or not introspective drugs. Don’t forget to stay for it’s burn Sunday night, more on that later in guide.

PLAYA NAME

OK. So, this is a tricky one, and many people will have different ideas on how they got their Playa name. Basically at some point, someone or something will name you and that’s just your name. You can’t really ask for it and if you do it doesn’t count. Mine, is Booby Trap which is Party Boob spelled backwards. It’s not the name I wanted, I wanted something like Surrender, but my second burn, a new friend asked if I had a Playa name and I said no, not yet and he had a bag of bracelets with different names on them, for this purpose and I pulled a random one out and it said, Party Boob. So there it is, I’m Party Boob. You’ll get yours eventually, and for newbies, most people will only go by their Playa name during BM. So when you meet people with names like Fireball, Kitten Slut, Anubis and Road Kill, don’t be alarmed. They won’t bite, they’re just burners.

*note* - amazingly when I went to Gathering of the Juggalos, they have a “gathering name” the same shit, which blew me away. The two festivals are remarkably similar with people referring to it as their home, to other Juggalos as their family, same same same. Love them both.

ART CARS

Art cars are for everyone. You can usually, almost always, (unless it’s some Richie Rich kid camp, who still think they’re in highschool and excluding people makes their dicks bigger/harder), hop a ride and roam around playa. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR BIKE. The art car has it’s own agenda, and it will leave you stranded miles away from home and you’ll probably lose your bike. Get on friendly art cars with hooks for bikes and sit down and make new friends.

LOST ITEMS 

There is a lost and found inside Center camp and they are the most organized place I have ever seen. If you lose something, give it a day, and venture over to them, one it’s fun, and two they probably have your things. I’ve had 3 phones returned to me. Once a guy lost his jet pack. HIS FUCKING JET PACK. They had it.

FOMO

You will miss EVERYTHING. You will feel the most intense FOMO you’ve ever had somehow while at the burn. You’re gonna hear the most insane stories or what people did while you did something STUPID like sleep. It’s fine. You will feel like somehow you missed it, or your sad you went to THIS thing and didn’t do THAT thing. Shut up. It’s too good, it’s all ToO FuCkInG GOOOOOOOD. You’re missing nothing. You’re there, you’re here, BE HERE NOW.

LONLINESS

Even when you’re surrounded by all your new friends and “family” sometimes you can feel really alone and sad at burning man and like you don’t know where to go and that you are scared and alone. This is totally normal. It is so overwhelming, the possibility, the fun you COULD be having if only you could get dressed and find your shoe..but YOU can’t, because you’re tired, and your shoe is literally NO WHERE even though you’ve torn through your tent like a Tazmanien Devil, and your brain has cummed all over itself and is now limp and soft. If I were you, I WOULD HEAD OUT, full force and see what Playa will provide for you. Only way out is through, but I am A PRO, and probably you little cutie, should pop a sleeping pill, drink a gallon of water with electrolytes and go to bed. You’ll feel better in no time. UPS AND DOWNS, managing the ups and downs and the chaos and fun and havoc and disasters is the name of the game.

MUPRHEYS LAW / FUCK YOUR BURN

Imagine the most insanely impossible thing that could happen, double it, add a cup something weird like someone lost their Epi pin and their lips now look exactly like a puffer fish, add a pinch of the only key to get the Epi pin is no where to be found, and you have now taken a mallet and smashed the window of your RV to unlock it and cut an important vein, and wait there’s MORE, a dust storm has come and now your entire RV is full of dust so you, bloody and losing consciousness now can’t even find the EPI pin for your poor frothing at the mouth friend,and you will have a classic Murphey’s law FUCK YOUR BURN EXPERIENCE. Things go wrong at burning man that literally you cannot believe. At this point, I just sigh and go YEP, right on track. Or, that makes sense, or sure, why not. The good news is the weird thing of the BURN is it will take things away, and give you back the thing you need to fix it, eventually and during the process of fixing the chaos you will meet the love of your life, or have a profound idea, or just fall back in love with yourself and your tenacious spirit. As long as you don’t die or hurt others, FUCK YOUR BURN is a good expression. It means that you are strong enough and brave enough to confront hardship and problem solve the most intricate and bizarre scenarios. GOOD FOR YOU. Larry would be proud.

FRIENDS

Forget about them. Don’t make plans. They don’t work. Try to get peoples camp coordinates ahead of time and print/write in on a burning man map you can keep in your pocket.

You can cycle around where maybe your friends may be living, but don’t focus on it. You have the whole year to see them. Plus, your best friend will ditch you in two seconds at the burn. It is what it is. You don’t need them, you’ll find them when you really need them. 

It is a fool's errand to try to seek out friends. THE BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU CAN MAKE is following some other idiot on their mission to find a friend. This “friend” is probably lost in a Life sized TREX curled up thick as thieves  with some new love interest wondering how it’s possible to fall in love so quickly, only to lose them while in a dust storm while biking 1 hour later and then they’ll spend the next three days searching from after party after party trying to glimpse their love mirage again. It’s very sad. It’ll happen to you, it’s happened to me, it’s fine.

Burning man is about meeting ALL new people. Explore, sit down at camps, offer people water, food, smiles, the BEST way to meet new people is at a late night campfire. People who have campfires are always the coolest people you’ll meet and this is where the really funny, really honest, really pervert stories get shared.

PLANS

A hilarious concept. PLANS. Ha. If I had a dollar for every “plan” to meet up with someone, INCLUDING MY MOTHER, that went array. I would be a Billionaire, swimming in cash lemme tell you. Here’s a classic example that constantly goes wrong… “I’ll meet you at 7:45 and H at the Slut Olympics, at Slut Garden camp at 6 pm SHARP!!! - I will be there I promise!!!” If you don’t have a focused meet up point, like a bar, a giant Octopus, etc inside coordinates, you will go to the wrong corner or get confused about the ACTUAL time vs the location time, or you will forget entirely, or underestimate how busy an intersection / camp will be and forget your friend is probably wearing the weirdest combo of things imaginable like a pasta strainer a 1950s bathrobe and sparkle wedges boots and look at them and past them. Don’t get mad at people for missing plans, just have a 15 minute rule, and then if they don’t appear, go on about your day and trust that they love you and would have been there if they could.

Bikes break, drugs work, there’s the most beautiful people you’ve ever IMAGINED every fucking where, plans schman’s. Just know that wherever you go, that’s where you were supposed to be and you will eventually or maybe never find the people you wanted to see and it’s all part of your Playa destiny.

A lot of my friends try to force me into a sunrise techno Deep playa meet up plan, every morning….Sure, good idea, until you realize that all the dickheads who live in Venice PLUS all the dickheads that spend New Years in Tulum AND all of the people who say things like IBITHA, and I winter in Mexico because I’m a “digital nomad,” 3/4 of Williamsburg and 1/8 of Austin and 1/14 of San Francisco ARE ALL FUCKING THERE in their sequined couture Miliary gear and you can NEVER figure out which of the sequined schmucks is the sequined schmuck YOU are looking for and then you realize you’ve biked to the literal hottest place on earth, the furthest away possible from your water supply, and you bike home like an Eeyore without their tail, realizing you missed an amazing opportunity go off on your own and get lost in the wonders of early magic morning comedy.

*Editors note, I know this may come off as harsh, and un burning man of me to attack this specific aspect of BM. These music camps have contributed many beautiful things to the Burning Man community and this is NOT directly about them. It’s not their fault that a particular kind of person flocks to their Siren call…OR IS IT…hahaha, I for one am just tired of this repetitive mindset that many people I know get into where they are stuck on a night time deep Playa schedule and they miss 99 percent of the magic of the Burn. Its just the easy path, I am challenging you and them, to try and do new stuff. That’s all.

ORGY DOME

First of all, don’t believe the lies, IT”S NOT A DOME, but a series of interconnected tents. I’ve only been to it once, for if you know me you know that a. I’m terrible at group sex b. I don’t care about sex at burning man III. I don’t like fucking strangers usually ESPECIALLY at the burn cuz I really don’t want my mouth to be used as someone’s wet wipe 4. It's always somewhere super weird like 4:15 and A, E. You have to wait like an EPOCH to actually get in it and while waiting around with a rag tag team of sexy time pervs for 5 hours usually would be my thing, I am in a constant state of crazy real time fomo at the burn thinking oh man what am I missing if i’m not actively moving through playa like a great white shark and can’t deal with down time of any kind. HOWEVER, it’s a super funny place, if you want to actually go be a communal wet wipe, do it early in the week cuz by the end of the week all the weekend pervs have flown in and your deli counter number (for real, they use a Zebars number system) WILL NEVER GET CALLED.

RADICAL SELF RELIANCE

Take care of yourself. Your momma ain’t here no more (well mine is! If you see Kathy Wiseman, say hi! She’s the best). Get it together, you are an adult. You do not need anyone. Resource yourself so you can turn around and help those who cannot. Come prepared, do not rely on others to keep yourself healthy.

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!

Do some venturing on your own. It can feel scary to be on your own, but it’s really important. This is a place for you to grow, learn and discover things about who you REALLY are. You will get out of burning man what you put into it. How much you share, collaborate, participate, will be rewarded. There is a karma to the burn, it can be VERY harsh or incredibly rewarding, choose your own adventure. 

2023* BEING ALONE AT BURNING MAN IS THE GREATEST THING EVER. FUCK YA FRIENDS YOUR FAMILY ALL THE OLD ENERGY - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DOUBLE DOWN ON YOU AND FATE AND ROLL THE DICE AND GO COLLECT NEW ROCKSTAR BEST FRIENDS AND FAMILY - all those other hos will be right where you left them. I promise you. FUCK IT.

WHO IS LARRY?

Larry Harvey is the the legend that helped make all of this possible. He died a couple years ago leaving behind him a global community of devoted Burning Man participants inspired by his vision to build a more creative, cooperative, and generous world. He was seventy years old. Get to know burning man’s roots. Read articles about how it was founded and why. Respect the dedication and genius that is going to allow you, some clueless, lowly caterpillar to blossom into the Blue Morpho butterfly you were always meant to be.

Read the Cacophony Society and just get fucking involved. There is far more at play in terms of societal revolution than you know. Burning man IS NOT JUST A DRUG FEST OF PARTY ADDICTS - it is a symphony of artists, creators and rebels who are here to say no to the prison that culture and religion and capitalization has tried to erect around us all. This is a SICK comprehensive guide to every single year of the BURN.

LARRY IS YOUR GOD FOR THE NEXT WEEK.

ODDS AND ENDS

• I always bring a notebook to write down addresses and events and a pen that's attached. 

• I always make business cards to give out, make them funny. Burning man is the best place in the world to manifest the people you need to build your dreams. If you have a project or business you're launching spend some time imagining that you run into the perfect person who will help you do the thing you need. If you want to find a psychedelic love partner, THIS IS LITERALLY 3d Apocalypse now tinder. There is no better place to fall in love. Clean out your emotional baggage. (Stop talking to that ex that sucks your dick perfectly but BOY DOES SHE GET mad, and jealous easily) Get rid of old relationship stuff in your house. Open your whole body up to the chance you could meet people, friends or cosmic love you're looking for. IT WILL HAPPEN.

• You need a cup, and make it fun. Decorate it, bedazzle it whatever it needs to have a way to clip onto a carabiner so you can attach it to stuff. All bars need you to have a cup.

• Leave all your expensive stuff at home. I mean this.Watches jewelry, laptops if you can, it's just easier. 

• People in RV’s bring your own pillows and sheets and a towel (a camping one that absorbs water well) theirs suck. 

• Apparently you can use credit cards at ARTICA - the SUPER FAB ice seller, who knew. BUT BRING CASH ANYWAY.

• DO NOT PARTY THE NIGHT BEFORE YOU HEAD IN TO BURN. Yes I know you’ll all fizzed up and ready to ride, you can smoke indoors cuz Nevada thinks it’s a immersive Mad Men experience, and you’ve got a fanny pack full of felonies burning a hole in your reptititive rat maze brain response system but seriously, GO TO BED. You’ve got a long week ahead of you. SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP.

• Get GAS in Gerlach and make sure you go into burning man as oily as a 7th grader who just got their first pube. The line is long but just trust me, you don’t want to run out of gas on Playa. Get a couple back up gas tanks as well.

• People taking SSRI’s, PREP, mood stablilizers, whatever, make a serious plan to remember to take your meds on time, EVERY DAY. This is NOT the time to fuck around with your meds.

• As soon as you get into Gate road turn on the AM channels and scan for the Burning Man radio station, it’s the best.

• You need 1 GALLON of water, per person, per day.

• Don’t forget a big fuck off full length mirror, every one aways does and then there’s like 14 preening peacocks hovered around one sad floppy Walmart mirror and everyone leaves looking a little wonky.

• Please go to to the Black Rock Roller Disco, it’s the best fucking thing ever. Skateboarding camp crushes as well.

• PICKLES PICKLES PICKLES - SO SO GOOD FOR THE DESERT. The juice will LITERALLY save your lyf

• Argan Oil, Vitamin E oil for your face ALL The time. Oil beats dust in Rock Paper Scissors.

• Have snacks and a great podcast or play list for entry gate - it can sometimes take 24 hours I am not kidding. You should also, if you’re in a car not an RV have thing to pee in, think ahead, it’s a doozy. DO NOT DRIVE INTO ENTRY hung over, cracked out, high, it’ll literally be like the Gods are ripping out your liver every morning and laughing while it regrows.

MAN BURNS

HOLY GUACAMOLE is this the best fireworks show your yankee ass is ever gonna see. When the man burns you have to KEEP YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER. Now, you have no compass, bye bye little prince, and no way to figure out really where the hell you are in relation to things. People will be going ape shit mother fucking bananas. I believe that this is the most dangerous time frame of the Burn. STAY TOGETHER.

HOLD

THE

DOOR.

There is an energy shift at this moment from the pure kerosine fumes, and a collective community ROAR that just bukakkes all over your casting couch and YOU NEED TO FUCKING keep yo wits about you. By this time, people will be doing helpful things like 1. switching the street signs b. stealing the street signs. iii. fucking in actual literal public 4. doing full body modern dance moments so bizarre they look like a deranged tarantula. 5. Howling. Shit is just looney tunes.

The playa is Andy Warhol levels of soupy and it’s just a terrible, no good, very bad time to try to get anything done. Find somewhere to dance, and stay there. Find a campfire, and use your new BFFF burner besties as a free therapy session. I dunno, just please, it’s a weird time and you need to be an Eagle Scout and try to keep it together CUZ EVERYONE ELSE WILL BE COOOCOO FOR COOOCOOO PUFFS. This is when I usually leave. Enough already,

I GET IN I GET OUT AND I GET HER DONE. I can do that, I’ve done my time. I mooped, I donated, I gave, I saw I conquered. But YOU, if you’re new or in need of. a good cicada shell molting, YOU need to sleep somehow, gather your thoughts, and do the walk of shame/glory that is the last day…..and sit silently for the temple burn. It’s beautiful, it’s holding space and helps get you back to the core of WHY THE FUCK WE ARE HERE.

LOVE BABY LOVE. WE ARE ALL PURE BEAMS OF PURE CELLULAR LOVE ENERGY. We are all the same. YOU are ME and I am YOU.

End this week with deep thoughts and big dreams. You’ll be dead in literally NO time. Let is go, move the fuck on, burn it to the ground, put your fucking muggle face in the dust and live in eternal gratitude for every deep breath you get to take AND stop being so caught up in the meaningless minutia that makes up our day to day insecurities and sadness.

I leave you with some principles that I tell every virgin:

• Fun 1st - Safety 3rd

• SPIN THE WHEEL - accept the consequences.

• Fire is hot

• Drugs Work

• Say YES

• Lock it up

• Dance it out

• DON’T DIE

• Breathe

• Stop and look around, cuz you just might miss it….

• FUCK

• YOUR

• BURN

  The man burns in…..FUCK THAT…..

  THE MAN IS ALWAYS BURNING IN YOUR HEART.

• 2023 note: if this guide was helpful to you in anyway - consider becoming my patron! All money goes towards the crazy costs of traveling and interviewing and learning all these important painful lessons so I can write them down and warn you! my new internet friend. You can find my patreon here:

• https://www.patreon.com/oralfixation

REINTEGRATION GUIDE FOR 2023

PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU GO TO BURNING MAN

REINTEGRATION TIPS

 By: Zoe Superstar Nightingale with Actual Health information provided by Dr. Zandra Palma.

 Hello virgins no more! You are now pink shiny brand new Rosebuds! You did it!! It is now up to YOU to integrate all of the magical lessons that you learned there whether you wanted to or not.

 It is I, your trusty burning man guidance counselor, here to guide you back to the “default” world,  with as few complications as possible. I have enlisted a rockstar functional medicine doctor who doesn’t just have the best tits on playa, she’s a real life Harvard/Columbia educated functional medicine doctor. I know. Get in line, you’re probably not worthy.

 Anyway, she's going to give you some easy peasy medical advice to deal with the breakdown of your body and I’m going to deal with the breakdown of your psyche....Deal? WONDERFUL!

 Let's do a quick inventory of how your body is doing, shall we?

● Do you now look exactly like Sebastian from the Little Mermaid, due to your 3rd degree skin burns in fun places like ... your armpits and nipples? It will heal!

● Did you wear the wrong pair of leggings/bicycle nude, and now have red hot chaffing on both of your inner thighs and (inner) ass from biking 3 billion miles a day and now have pain ricocheting between your thighs/deepest parts of your tuchus hole that even Spanish Inquisition torturers couldn’t have dreamed up? OH GOOD!

● Does the inside of your nose look like the beaches of Normandy in the summer of 1944...and are you STILL blowing fossil-shaped things out of it? LUCKY YOU!

● Has your tongue swollen to the size of a nudibrink and were you using the insides of your cheeks as a substitute for food? EXCELLENT WORK OBI WAN!

● Is your hair in one giant dread? It’ll all come out in the wash!

● Are your feet covered in weird blisters near the top of your big toe and the arch of your foot? HUZZAH!

● Did you check your bank account and now have 47 cents in combined checking and savings? 

SO PROUD OF YOU! 

● Did you sprain your ankle diving out of the way of a flaming Trojan horse packed with Lucy Lawless look alikes playing “We Are the Champions,” on penis shape flutes.....? 

Awe, YOU ARE ALIVE!

● Did you lose everything only to find it all again exactly when you needed it? 

WHAT A LESSON! 

● Did you fall in and out of love 37 times with the coolest and most beautiful person you’ve ever met up until that very moment... 

OH GOOD!

THAT MEANS YOU DID IT RIGHT!

 Burning man is the ultimate test of your body, mind and spirit and if you walk away from it limping like you were gang banged by a pack of sadistic, yet inventive ‘tweens using only a lacrosse stick and your own tears as lube....YOU WON BURNING MAN.

 And you’ll do it again, and again and again until you die. BECAUSE GOSH GOLLY GEE DIDN’T YOU HAVE JUST THE BEST TIME?

 Yeah DUH.... you DID. They say you get out of the burn what you need, not what you want. So suck it up. You asked for it, you got it, now receive it in all its glory...hole.

 Settle in kids, we have some work to do to humpty dumpty you back together again in time for Tueday’s 9 am meeting. OUCH.

BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING AND I MEAN ANYTHING, YOU NEED TO EAT< SLEEP< SHOWER< CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

 Do not make any decisions, or answer any big problems that arose while you were away. YOU are cracked out and dehydrated. YOU are terrible at making decisions at the moment, and you need to put on an invisible dunce cap, sit in a corner and put yourself in time out.

 Get a massage. Stay in nature. Read. Write. Relax, binge watch something nostalgic and wholesome, like the Simpsons. This is the only thing for you to do, oh yeah, and eat, eat, eat and drink TONS of water. DO NOT play last man standing with whatever rag tag team of burn out idiots with all the drugs you have left. This is tough, I know, but literally give them away.  YOU need to stop partying, and if you cannot, YOU need to go to REHAB.

THIS IS IMPORTANT!!! Try not to drown your frazzled synapses in a Reno casino buffet. Try to put things in your body that will nourish you. NO....eating 14 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos, and a whole pizza pie at the Gerlach food stop is NOT A GOOD IDEA. Your body is a vessel. You’ve spent a lot of money and time investing in an experience to enable you to start fresh. START TODAY YOU FOOD ADDICTED ALCOHOLIC CELLPHONE OBSESSED FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS I DON'T DRINK DAIRY BUT I’LL SNORT ANY MISC WHITE POWDER EVEN IF IT’S OFF A TOILET SEAT IF I'M IN THE MOOD LAZY LIMA BEAN!

 Maybe that’s not you, but it’s definitely me. This is the perfect time to regroup, relaunch and come back bigger, badder, and more EXPANSIVE/INCLUSIVE than ever before.

 YOU need to process what the fuck just happened. You’ve had a full week to reconnect with YOU! Do not go filling up your tabula rasa with all the muck and gluck of the internet. Does your poor, over-saturated brain need to see courageous goats overcoming adversity on the internet? NOPE. There’s 14 million other tuchus holes to do that for you.

 Living in the “default,” or non-burning man world is very simple. You just need to find a balance between the extremes of the burn and the extremes of trying to navigate the game of actual life.

 You do not need to QUIT EVERYTHING YOU HAD BEFORE: job, relationship, friends - You have an amazing life, and everything is going to re-calibrate just fine. DO NOT burn everything you spent your whole LIFE building to the mother fucking ground.

 Ok health stuff: Dr. Palma is taking over the mic for a hot sec and then I’m going to finish you off discount bin rub and tug style with some nifty thoughts about how to be the best brand new burner you can be.

Dr. Palma: 

Hi burnt out playa friends? Have you been practicing radical self-neglect for the last week? Let’s saddle up and hop back on that magic health pony, cowpoke. 

DETOX AND ELIMINATION

There are only a few ways for our bodies gets rid of things: Urine, poop, sweat and breath (although there are a few toxic compounds that can only come out in tears and breast milk -- google VOCs for a good time). 

Usually our body has to modify a compound in some way to move it into these compartments (this is generally the liver’s job). So we’ll talk about how speed the modification step and increase the elimination.

• Your liver will naturally detox if you stop giving it extra work to do, but if you want to speed up the process there are some herbs that can help. I like blends of several botanicals, like Liver Detox by Protocol for Life Balance. Gaia also makes a good blend that is readily available at Whole Foods. A great strategy to amp detoxification is to replace all the glutathione that your liver ran through while you were running through a field of dicks (naked, backward). Glutathione is the main detoxifying molecule of the body and we use it up when we’re boozing like we just had to pay rent on our knees. Take it in Liposomal form on an empty stomach, 500 mg once or twice per day. You can take the precursor of glutathione as well, it’s called NAC and is great for a host of reasons. Take 600 mg three times per day. 

• Push fluids. Drink water until your urine runs clear. Your kidneys are hurting from a combination of dehydration and heroic amounts of MDMA and ketamine. If you want to take a specific supplement for your kidney health Rentone from Ayush Herbs is a great blend.

• Bone broth. Drink it. Homemade, bottled or powdered (I love Lono Life brand - beef), just get it inside you. It’s an amazing hangover remedy -- it coats the gut border, reversing “leaky gut,” a common problem that allows big molecules hanging out in the empty space of the gut to cross into your tissue and blood. It’s high in an amino acid called glycine that we don’t get enough of from our modern diet (unless you’re eating ox-tail and chewing on animal bones). You need this shit to make all the neurotransmitters, hormones and proteins you left on the desert floor. 

• Now is a good time to start a probiotic (honestly, you should have been taking one the whole time). I love Seed but you might not have time to get it, so any high quality broad spectrum probiotic should help. Drugs are bad for your microbiome. If you don’t know what the microbiome is… you should read a book. 

• Any drug that makes you poop can cause rebound constipation when you stop doing it, so you might be constipated for a few days once you get clean. Problem is, if you don’t poop then all of the chemicals your liver transformed have the opportunity to recirculate back into you. Was all his hard work for nought?!  Lots of water and Magnesium in powder form (Calm brand) will help. Probiotics are also your friend, here. 

• Sweating superior to urine for eliminating many compounds (mostly the ones that got into you from drinking and eating out of hot plastics for the last week). Hot baths and saunas (especially infrared), as unappealing as they sound right now, will help you get rid of some industrial chemical nasties that can disrupt hormonal function. 

BRAIN 

• Feeling down? Crying but you don’t know why? Take some Mucuna Pruriens, you mopey little bitch! This seed boosts dopamine but also has several other benefits: It’s an antioxidant, antimicrobial, it lowers blood sugar, it protects the brain and it can protect against snake venom poisoning. WHAT??? Take 3 - 5 grams of loose powder or get it in a blend with other dopamine enhancing botanicals (I love Dopatone Active from Apex Energetics but you have to get it from a practitioner).

• Drink bone broth. Even more. I like adding pesto to mine (make sure it’s made with actual EVOO). 

• If you’re feeling glitchy Magnesium in Glycinate form can help with that. Take 500 mg bedtime which will help you rebuild neurologically and actually REST. 

• For jittery nerves take L-theanine (200 mg 1 - 3x per day) and Phosphatidylserine (200 - 300 mg at bedtime, or more).

• Now is a great time to start meditating. Drugs functioned as a fast-track to access the benefits of meditation last week. Now you have the opportunity to bridge that mind expansion into ongoing mind-ninja status. Also it will help your focus come back faster. If you feel like you don’t know how, check out Ziva Meditation’s online course. 

FOOD 

Girl, is your dad an astronaut? … Cuz he made all your dinners out of powder last week. 

I can imagine what’s it’s like to see food again after a week-long diet of booze and Colombian tapas boards, but you have to contain your excitement. An accidental 15 lbs weight loss is no excuse to eat strip-club sushi. Your cells are depleted, shrunken, and thirsty. DO NOT FILL THEM BACK UP WITH THE NASTY PRODUCTS OF INDUSTRIAL FARMING. The food in Reno will probably be classified as a human rights violation someday, so slow your roll on processed, herbicide and pesticide coated junk. 

You’re likely in a state of muscle catabolism by this point, so eat some protein. Eating starchy carbs,at night will increase neurotransmitter production and help you make thyroid and sex hormones, (think tubers, not pizza, Gluten Glutton).

Eat cilantro, broccoli sprouts, parsley, dark leafy greens like cruciferous veggies and dandelion greens and bitter herbs -- as much as you can get your hands on. These will help your liver with that transformation step we talked about before.

And once you do the transformation step…. You have to do the elimination step (boy do you learn fast!) So eat foods that will help you poop, not foods that will do the opposite (conventional dairy, wheat and processed food). 

SLEEP 

Sleep as much as you can (use the supplements above to help) but get on your home cities sleep schedule ASAP. Even if it means waking up a little earlier than you want to in your current time-zone, just do it. 

If you need to take something to get to bed extra early try SUPER low dose melatonin (0.25 - 0.75 mg) taken under then tongue (for liquid formulations this is 5 - 15 drops. You need to reset your circadian rhythm before it’s high stakes.

NOTE

** I don’t have any conflicts of interest with the supplement companies I recommended above, nor are Zoe and I paid to recommend these things so angry internet people STFU.

And Zoe’s back! Did you miss me? Good? LET'S GET TO SOME NICHE PROBLEMS SHALL WE...?

Once you have service and you’ve left the warm cocoon that is the playa, keep your stupid fucking phone in airplane mode.  Please for the love of god journal, yes i said journal, and no it’s not just for guys in all white with a solitary turquoise nose ring and giggley girls named Margaret asking God why it looks like a murder scene in their underpants....ITS FOR YOU TOO.

DO NOT- - I REPEAT - - DO NOT - - GO APE SHIT CRAZY ON YOUR PHONE. FUCK THE PHONES.

 If you have a “job” and you feel like you’ll die if you don’t answer your inbox:

 Ok ok, you have a job. Yeah, big deal, so does everyone. Your job can wait until you get to Reno, or wherever is your stopping point, so you can shower, eat a nice meal, dig the remaining bits of dust and glitter and and cum out of your finger nails, (side note, the dust will have done monstrous things to your cuticles and nail beds. THAT IS OK. They will heal. Do not use your hands as a barometer on how your life is going. Get a manicure, everything is going to be FINE).

 Everyone is going to want to know what happened. Your boss, your mom, your ex’s, and most importantly, the love partner you left at home. So take a deep breath because these people are GOING TO BE SO ANNOYING TO YOU.

 They don’t get it and explaining what happened at burning man is like trying to resurrect a spaghetti dick after 2 grams of coke and half a bottle of jack. Meaning even Dr. No Pants couldn’t do it. Believe me, she’s tried.

 SO WHAT DO YOU ANSWER?

 1. IT WAS FUCKING AMAZING

2. It was a hard burn, but boy did I have fun

3. BEST BURN EVER YAY

4. BOY DID I SLAUGHTER THOSE DUSTY DANCE FLOORS

5. It was just the best, I can’t wait until you go and we get to share it.

6. Man going to burning man with your mother is weird but it’s SO REWARDING.

 If they press you, just literally say:

 “I'm still processing it all, but I learned so much and I really got to disconnect and be with people, I’d like to wait and tell you more about it another time.

 It really doesn’t matter what it is, just add a pinch of nouns, a cup of gratitude, throw in a cup of chicken soup for the spiritual soul mantras, and a dollop of yoga influencers hashtags, and soon you’ll be in the clear to then SWITCH TOPICS TO ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM.

 Thank God their natural penchant for telling you basic bitch stories about their weekend will kick in and they’ll start talking about some lovely boat expedition they did with their friends from high school, (Oh my god you have to meet Jack, he’s amazing...)  at their lake house, and they did a 80’s themed murder mystery complete with themed cocktails and boy wasn’t it was a hoot!

 Meanwhile you’ll be vacantly staring at them while the thumps and thuds of bad drum and bass dance around the new holes you burned in your gray matter, while colorful whisps of mutant vehicles roaming the dusty sky flash before your eyes… and just wait for this natural, totally normal, everyday torture to end. It will end. THEN GO BACK TO MOTHER FUCKING BED. YOU ARE TIRED.

IF YOU’RE ADDICTED TO LIVING LIFE FO THE GRAM:

I have a special hatred for the posts I see about peoples burn. Do us all a favor. Curate, be discerning. Don’t filter, don’t do the same shit that every other influencer asshole is doing. Do not use burning man as a way to grow your beauty blog. SHOW ME ART. SHOW ME NATURES GLORY. SHOW ME STRUGGLE AND TRIUMPH. No one cares about your selfie. No one cares about your outfit UNLESS ITS FUNNY OR PERVERTED and then I care. Pictures of your butt next to an art car…? LAME.

Hashtags: FUCK YOUR FUCKING HASHTAGS. Who are these losers I always wonder sitting on a bean bag watching re runs of the Kardashians that are looking up hashtags.Do us all a favor and CAPTURE THE MAGIC OF THE BURN NOT YOUR FUCKING FACE BLOCKING A DOPE ART CAR. UGH. Please please please, I am so so so over it. I literally have to turn off FB and INSTA after i come back because all my friends are so gross with the way they commodify the burn. BORING. GET over yourselves, learn a craft. and come back next year using all that saved up time you would have spent preening your burning man social media image and give back.

Listen, I get it you want to share. So share your MOST SPECIAL PHOTOS, explain why it was special and don’t use Shanti Shanti language. THINK before you caption. Impress me. I bet you won’t. But try.

Also to all you humans who have built businesses for the burn. That’s great, good for you. But please try to be less overt with the ways you rape and pillage Chris Columbus style playa. I see you. Donate money from your profits, give back more please.

 UH OH! You had a love partner you left at home when you went to the burn... What In Anne’s Green Gables will you tell them?

 Well, this is the trickiest task of all. Here’s the good news; the person you left at home is STILL seething with jealousy and anxiety about the 7 days they spent drinking Franzia, furiously trying to read your DM’s by guessing your dog’s name and your birthday in every possible combination; finally giving up or succeeding (if you’re an idiot)….so does it really matter when you finally resurface and make contact? NOPE.

 Trust me, once you turn on your Pandora’s box of doom (Ghostbusters monster trap) you will be getting an escalating series of messages that will not help your massive come-downs. For instance: “if you loved me you would have found a place to check in with me, I don’t care if you’re at the  BURNING MAN.”

 Do you want to deal with this now? No. You can barely breathe or walk, and your voice sounds like it is on the other end of a 1800-Pound-Me hotline. Not a good look.

 Are they terrified you fell in love with a Brazilian supermodel, with legs longer than the horizon and oceanic eyes that stare right into your soul? YOU BETCHA. Or worse that you fell back in love with yourself and now no longer need them.

 Does this matter to you? SURE. BUT NOTHING, I MEAN NOTHING, WILL HELP IF YOU IMMEDIATELY TRY TO EXPLAIN TO THEM WHAT HAPPENED with medium 3g service that’s constantly dropping, with the giggles of your new best friends wafting softly in the background.

 You need to sit still. You need to respect them enough to call them when you’re ready to actually try to explain what the fuck went down without them.

 You need a plan. You need to figure out what you want to say. How you’re going to show up in the world now, especially with the people who were NOT part of your Herculean transformation.

 I repeat. DO NOT CALL YOUR LOVE PARTNERS/MOTHER/BOSS AS SOON AS YOU GET SERVICE.

 Be somewhere quiet. Sleep a bit. Take a throat lozenge.

 If you accidentally cheated on your love while at the burn:

 Figure out if you’re going to tell the truth about what just went down or lie.

 IF YOU NEED TO LIE:

 Sometimes at the burn you can slip and your genitals somehow land directly inside the genitals of another person. If by any chance, your (insert genital type here) mistakenly got sucked into the penis fly trap of another human so beautiful you were sure it was a mirage, that is ok.

 You are not a terrible person. You are a monkey with a lizard brain whose primary goal is to procreate.

 HOWEVER, you need to think through what you’re going to do. If you choose not to deal with the repercussions of this, you need to think back through the haze of fun and excrement that was the burn and try to remember all the different ways/photos/stories that could expose you. I would not recommend this. BUT it’s gonna happen so if this is you, be smart, and try to hurt as few people as possible.

 IF YOU TELL THE TRUTH - (obviously this is the best way) you need to figure out how to do it without destroying the other person. Usually, when you tell the truth, things turn out OK. Maybe it will end the relationship, or maybe it will help you two deal with some of the iceberg of problems that were living beneath the cool waters of your filtered Insta posts. GOOD LUCK! May the force be with you!

 IF you fell in love with yourself, and you now feel like you’ve shed your cicada shell and want to fly into the windshields of all the people you loved before and ruin their day in some pathetic attempt to show the Gods of Burning Man that you’re a Belieber, I get it.

 But here’s some advice: allow your partner (or ANYONE really) to rise to the new level you believe yourself to be. Do not automatically assume that they will NEVER understand what just happened. Be patient. Don’t roll your eyes when they don’t understand some of your new lingo, mutant vehicle, playa, darktard, moop, black rock city, sparkle pony, the list goes on an on...

 Take them on a storytelling adventure with you. Be inclusive, be kind (and rewind).  If you go into this believing that you’re better somehow now than anyone who's never done it, you have missed the ENTIRE POINT OF BURNING MAN.

 The point of burning man is to wake people up. To show them that the prisons that have been erected around them from religious shame, familial pressure, and capitalism’s voracious need to make us all feel like shit unless we have this or that can be broken out of. Teach people how to take off their shackles and walk towards the light.

 RADICAL INCLUSION is not a joke. Bring the lessons you learned BACK to the default world. Immediately shunning people who are not in on the joke means you get an F on your burning man final exam. Larry would be disappointed in you.

IF YOU WENT TO THE BURN WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER

If you’ve gone to burn with your love partner and experienced deeply troubling versions of them, and now are in a weird place together, just take a deep breath. You will both have discovered strength and resilience in your partner you never knew possible. But you will also see people at their breaking points, totally naked, and that can be a turn-off for people. Well, grow the fuck up. You’re not perfect, and we are all trying to overcome the failing of our parents and the failing of their parents and up and up we climb on the cosmic human family tree until we get back to Adam and Eve and since they were the ORIGINAL SINNERS that fucked us all in the tuchus with no KY.... you have nothing to be mad at your grumpy former love interest about.

We’re all just faking it until we make....something. Anything that feels like a real adult life. Finding someone you can smush your genitals into and not cry after is a WIN. People are impossible. Don’t just throw someone away because you are afraid of true intimacy. Read Brene Brown and Esther Perel. They will help you.

 On the flip side - if you’ve gone to burn with your partner and fallen so deeply in love you feel like nuggets of gold come out of their tuchus now instead feces, let me be clear. This will not last. The highs of burning man are the highest you may EVER get in your life. The freedom, the excitement, the constant imbibing of seritonin-flooding drugs....at some point you’ll be back staring at the skid-marks in their underpants when you’re doing the wash, wondering…do you love them enough to wash their visible shit along with your work clothes…..and you’ll be like, fuck that, fuck them, fuck this…. I WANT TO BE SINGLE AGAIN and find random dudes in a bar and play semen roulette all night.

The name of the game here is managing expectations. Burning man is going to change you, it’s going to change everything. DO NOT EXPECT PEOPLE TO BE AS FUN AS THEY WERE AT THE BURN. This goes for friends, family, for YOU, this goes for when you’re at someone’s basic ass wedding, judging their cheap Pintrest rip-off decor and mediocre speeches thinking God couldn’t they have at least given out fun giant hats with a small dildo sticking out of them so I CAN BE ENTERTAINED.

You are not a Roman emperor who now gets to demand that the whole world cater to your brain’s new and improved capacity for fun and perversion. Life is going to be FUCKING BORING sometimes, and that’s ok.

BALANCE BABY BALANCE. Here’s the trick. I have spent the last 8 years trying to make my whole life burning man. To be fair, I’ve always been a burner. Ever since I saw Priscilla Queen of the Desert when I was 8 and fell in love with those cocks in frocks on a rock I dreamed of dancing in the desert in full drag.

I have curated my life to be surrounded by charismatic hooligans who specialize in depravity...but if you want, this could be your life too. There's a very simple ways to bring the principles of burning back with you.

I LOOK PEOPLE IN THE EYES AND WAVE TO THEM when I am walking around my neighborhood. If someone has a problem and I can help, I stop what I'm doing and help them.

I give people random funny gifts for NO REASON (most of them look like I stole them from a New Jersey Bachelorette, but a gift is a gift) just to make them smile. I add perversion and whimsy and mischief wherever I can.

I dress like i’m going to Tutu Tuesday to go to the grocery store. IF YOU ARE IN NEW YORK: NYC is literally burning man. You can have the same exact fun in New York without having to poop in a loo that looks like a literal shit bomb has been detonated.

YOU ARE BURNING MAN. It’s not just on playa, it's in the way you show up to the world, how generous you are with your love and talents and how you handle stress and confrontation. You now have the tools you need to go back and make your family dinners more fun, how to add some spice into your holiday work party and meet people everywhere and actually connect Snork snorkels.

You can now learn all kinds of useful things like welding, and glass blowing, and sewing. You can keep Tinkerbell alive, you just have to clap.

BE PREPARED TO HATE DECOMPRESSION PARTIES: they can be some of the WORST parties in the actual world. I don’t know why. But they just suck. I KNOW i’m going to get hate mail for this. But fuck it, set expectations, it’s NOT NOT NOT going to be anywhere CLOSE to burning man and it feels weird and like everyone is at a middle school dance trying to fit in. Go, but have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Ok, one of the most important things you can do. GIVE BACK. Spread the world, raise money, donate money, stay involved in the burning man world. THIS IS A REALLY FRAGILE ecosystem and it needs ALL it’s warriors to protect Larry’s vision of the future. Help Keep BURNING MAN ALIVE so everyone can experience what you did.

We leave you with 5 of the principles of Burning Man that I actually use every day for you to carry out and spread like a Michael Crichton fictional virus throughout the land.

1. Radical Inclusion: Burning Man is open to everyone and no prerequisites exist for participation in the community. EVERYONE'S THE SAME. We are all one. This is universal and always true. We are all suffering, we all share the same fate as one. Narcissism and exclusivity is boring and counterproductive.

2. Gifting: Burning Man is devoted to acts of gift giving, and the value of a gift is unconditional. It does not warrant a return or an exchange. Reciprocity is something special to earn; never to expect. Give, give, give. Give your money, your time and your heart to any and all that ask and do it NOT for yourself, do it for the joy that is sharing your resources with your fellow human.

3. Decommodification: The Burning Man community creates social environments that are unmediated by commercial sponsorships, transactions or advertising. It resists the substitution of consumption for participatory experience. This is self explanatory.

We live in a world of TOTAL COMMODIFICATION. It’s gross, it leads to pain and suffering of all living creatures and the world that we all must protect to survive.

4. Radical Self-reliance: Burning Man encourages individuals to discover, exercise and rely on his or her inner resources to contribute to the experiences of others as well as their own. THIS IS EVERYTHING. Take care of yourself. Your momma ain’t here no more (well mine is). Get it together, you are an adult. You do not need anyone. Resource yourself so you can turn around and help those who cannot.

5. Radical Self-expression: Each person offers their own unique gifts. No one other than the individual or a collaborating group can determine its platform, message or voice. Respect people, and their rights and liberties, for expression is a gift from someone to someone else. Silence, passive aggressiveness and lying only erodes promise and purpose. OOH BOY AIN’T THAT THE TRUTH. We live in a deeply inauthentic world that validates consumption and transparent fleeting beauty. EVERYONE GETS TO WEAR, FUCK, AND DO WHAT THEY WANT. Be real, burn bright, remove the filters and you too can live in burning man all year long.

 Here’s how to connect with Dr. Palma if you have more questions about your after burn health:

 Insta: https://www.instagram.com/zandrapalma_md/

 Website: www.palmamd.co

 Connect with Zoe cuz, Duh..

 Insta: drznightingale